So the other day I was in Target walking around, not really in the mood to shop. The crazy thing is, is that I didn’t even need to buy anything. I’m such an introverted apartment dweller that I consider Target as “going out”. So when people ask me what I did this weekend I’ll just say “Oh I went out”. And they always say “Cool, where did you go?” To which I reply “I went to places with people to do things.” It’s kind of sad actually but I’ve come to terms with it.

So I’m walking along minding my own business when out of nowhere I see what seems to be a cute girl with my peripheral vision area. So to be cool and calm and casual about it I quickly jerk my head sideways, giving me 5^th degree whiplash to look directly at her while stopping dead in my tracks. The creepy part was that she was staring directly at me, noticing my creepy double take! It was such an awkward situation because every time something like this occurs I just happen to be cutting through like the pantyhose isle or by the kitty nametag roll cart. So being the covert, suave, ninja type that I am I quickly change my glance from her, to directly five feet to the right of her to make it not so obvious.

The girl was really cute, my type of style, the whole package. I was immediately in love. And I know some of you are thinking “Josh, it’s the first time you saw her, you haven’t even spoke human words to her, how can you be in love?” Well, you just know. You ever hear of “Love at first sight?” I didn’t make that shit up. Who cares if it’s not reciprocated, it’s still love.

With all this sexual/awkward tension building I decided to pull out a little trick I like to call “playing hard to get.” What the trick consists of is pulling out your cell phone device and acting like you just got a call, then nervously sprinting to the home and garden department to sit on a miniature picnic table to collect my thoughts. You see, you have to make them want you by turning their games around on them. When I’m through there I go about the rest of my perusing merchandise I can’t afford when I turn to go down another isle only to almost run directly into my future wife! I don’t know exactly what “fate” entails, but I’m pretty sure this is a textbook example. This is where it gets amazing folks, simply amazing! She did the exact trickery I was going to pull which was acting like we’ve never even seen each other before! Brilliant! Simply Brilliant!

If ever I had any doubts about where our relationship was headed it certainly just got cleared up with that little move. We’re on the exact same page! We both even murmured “excuse me” at the exact same time!

Anyways, I left without her name or number but I know our paths will cross again sometime soon… With our hearts and our minds being on exactly the same page, along with the myspace search feature and my willingness to stake out the Target parking lot for the next 3 months, how could they not?

Tags: apartment_dweller, awkward_situation, cool_and_calm, crazy_thing, cute_girl, five_feet, introverted, kind_of_sad, love_at_first_sight, minding_my_own_business, nametag, peripheral_vision, picnic_table, reciprocated, reply, roll_cart, target, whiplash

This past winter I encountered a kind of awkward situation. It was a few days after a huge snow storm at about 3:30 in the PM. I was just minding my own business as usual in my apartment, flexing my muscles in the mirror after a “Fitness Made Simple” workout (Basedow has the abs of a greek god) and drinking water with ice cubes I made from scratch.

My stomach decided that It was a little bit on the hungry side and I was fresh out of food materials so I figured I would go get some groceries. On my way out of the apartment building I glance to my left and see this old dude on the ground leaning up against a sign. It looked sort of, if not exactly like this:

Now I don’t mean to seem like a spacey asshole but seriously, how was I supposed to know an old guy, laying on a patch of ice leaning up against a sign meant that he needed help? I just thought he was being a good citizen after seeing the sign was wobbly and decided to make sure it didn’t fall over so the passerbys could read it.So I just wrote it off as a “wtf” moment and headed to my car. As I opened the car door I heard the old guy moan and say “can you help me up?” Ugh. I try to interact with people as little as I can and this was totally fucking up that whole situation. I just about said “survival off the fittest biatch” and drove off into the night. But I decided to help like the good, caring person that I am.When I got to the old guy I didn’t even know how I should help. Should I just bear hug him and lift him up so he loses all remaining dignity? Or should I just stand there and try to coach him up? He grabbed my arm and I tried helping him up the normal way but his legs weren’t having it. His legs were flopping all over the place like those foam pool noodley things, he was straight nerf legging it. He finally got in a locked and upright position after about 15 minutes or 38 tummy growls.The end result sorta looked like this: I don’t know what gives a person “hero status” but I think this is pretty damn close… I mean if I didn’t help him he would have had hypothermia soon, went into shock and just laid there twitching on the sidewalk until he died a bitter cold, lonely death. I saved that 105 year old nerf mans life. Goddamn I’m good.

Tags: apartment, awkward_situation, basedow, bear_hug, being_a_good_citizen, biatch, car_door, fitness_made_simple, food_materials, greek_god, hero_status, i_don_t_know, legs, looked_sort, made_from_scratch, minding_my_own_business, old_dude, snow_storm, ugh, wobbly