By now you should know all about my social awkwardness and my uncanny ability to attract the hottest of chicks regardless of age, race or marital status. The other day I was trying to think of a story from the old days to summarize those facts as a whole. My brain remembered the perfect story from when I was about 10 years old.

It was just another normal summer day for me, riding my bike around the neighborhood, water bottle filled with grape kool-aid, and the Wayne’s World soundtrack blaring on my walkman. I don’t know if anybody’s life could be more perfect. I started off on my journey the way I always did, by stealing some sort of foreign berries from a bush in someone’s front yard down the street. I knew that if I was going to ride my bicycle all day, like usual, I would need to keep my energy up.

After pedaling like I had rabies simplex two and nearly getting run over by a car to the head banging ballad of “Rock Candy” I decided to slow it down and just cruise around to “Dream Weaver”. As soon as the song started playing my peripheral vision learned of this car driving very slowly. As the car passed by me I noticed a very attractive woman with long, blonde, curly hair driving. I started getting all sorts of happy thoughts running through my mind. I pictured her pulling over and asking me to come help her find directions, then I would get in her car and we’d start making out (with tongue!), because that’s obviously as far as you can go with a woman, right?

Well after about 20 minutes of me following her very sneakily (even at a young age I was fucking stealthy) and her driving in all kinds of convoluted fucking directions, not really leaving a five block radius, something very prophetic happened. The hot blonde girl pulled over in the exact spot that I pictured her pulling over! She rolled down her window and looked at me, then said “Hey you, come here.” Just like in my vision! (Does this mean I’m God?). Needless to say I wasn’t surprised. You see, when I was 10 years old I rode my bike around shirtless and I knew that my manly physique would catch her attention at some point.

Even at a young age I had fucking game. I used a trick that I used on the girl at Target a month ago, a little thing I like to call “playing hard to get”. I rode my bike right past her car window and even though my tape reached the end I was still acting like I was listening, bobbing my head to fake music to show her that not only am I a hot piece of man meat, but I also have rhythm. I couldn’t see her face because I was to busy ignoring her, but I bet she was fucking awe-struck.

To keep this little cat and mouse game going, as soon as I got around the corner I took off on my bicycle and headed directly home. Flew into my garage, and closed the door, peeking out the window to see if she would drive by trying to find me. She didn’t. It’s alright though, I was just too crafty for her. I need a woman who is smart and has a sense of direction anyways. It became clear to me that she was all looks and no smarts. But I can tell you what I would have done if she did drive by… Phase 3 of my plan was this: as soon as she started driving by slowly, desperately trying to find me I would have casually walked out of the garage and started drinking water from the hose in such a way that the water would ripple all over my body and down my sun tanned abs before pouring the water over my head, shaking my prince-like curly brown hair and glancing at her seductively… Oh, to be 10 again…

Tags: attractive_woman, block_radius, blonde_curly_hair, blonde_girl, car_driving, dream_weaver, exact_spot, happy_thoughts, head_banging, i_don_t_know, kool_aid, long_blonde, perfect_story, peripheral_vision, ride_my_bicycle, riding_my_bike, rock_candy, running_through_my_mind, run_over_by_a_car, uncanny_ability