I hate buying groceries. Everything about it just really annoys me to no end. It just bothers me, pushing a cart through endless aisles of food that is not good for you, overpriced goods, and the feeling that people are judging me based on my food selections. Not to mention standing in line for 30 minutes because the 80 year old store manager is to cheap to hire another check out person, all the while wondering if it was a smart move to buy ice cream because judging by the condensation on the carton I see a very sweet and sticky, soupy mess in my future (no gay jokes please).

Getting groceries especially sucks when you decide to make the trip early in the morning to hopefully bypass the long lines and crowded aisles. That’s what I did a little while back and I regret it to this day. Sure, there are a few less people but the type of customer has also changed severely. During my first morning trip to the grocery store there were nothing but hot single moms and hot younger check out and free food thingies ladies.

From the outside this looks fantastic! Whores! Okay, maybe not whores, but definitely girls who are hot enough to be whores! The only problem was that I just woke up, hadn’t yet showered and was wearing the antitheses of my Sundays finest. Well, that and the fact that my grocery selections probably aren’t going to be impressing any women any time soon. I doubt a woman would be impressed that my meals consist of the same type of foods as a 7 year olds snack time.

It was awful. I could tell a couple women kind of looking in my direction, but I just couldn’t build up the confidence to come rolling up on her with my cart full of pizza rolls, fruit roll-ups, beef jerky and grape sodie pop, not to mention what I was wearing. It looked like I was a homeless grocery runner for a day care.

With all that being said about the hot, whorish (or not) single moms that I could have easily banged in the parking lot any other day (again, probably not), I’m still not done with the awkwardness. Later on in the store I roll up on one of these free food roll cart things, and who else is serving but a hot, possibly sassy chick who looked to be in my age group. The things I was worried about the hot single older-ish ladies noticing dissapear to a chick that’s my age. Girls my age think anything that’s not the normal style is a bad boy look, I was in!

So I roll up to her, we talk for quite a while. She was giggling and into it. I asked her why she was working at a grocery store of all places, if it was a job to help pay bills through college times or what. This is when she informed me that her parents made her get the job and that she’s only 16! WTF? I think girls who are under 18 but look older need to wear a badge on their shirt saying so.

Now, not only am I apparently a homeless grocery runner for a daycare, but now I’m also on the verge of being a sex offender. Fantastic. But wait, that’s not all. I got so wrapped up in my conversation with this girl and so much time had passed that the grocery store was now jam packed with people and I had to wait in line longer than usual.

RIP: Half Gallon of Tin Roof Sundae, you left us far to young.

Tags: blog, comedy, free_food, funny, groceries, humor, single_moms

Since this is another week of no Ask Josh questions I am going to ask you readers a question. Am I evil? This very question just popped into my head the other day and I can’t get it out. How did it get there? Well that’s what blogs are for. This isn’t going to be as light hearted as my other posts but maybe it will be a discussion starter amongst you and your friends.

So the other day I was sitting at work, mostly ignoring people as I usually do, when all of a sudden the word “died” tickled my eardrum. Of course this caught my full attention and I began to listen to the conversation several of my coworkers were having.

Apparently, that morning some person got in a one car pile up and died in the wreckage. They hadn’t yet released the name of the dead person but in such a small-ish community most likely someone will know the person or at least know of them. This is what initially sparked the debate in my own mindrowave, the question of whether or not I am an evil human being on a planet floating through the galaxy.

Now here is precisely the reason I ask myself, and you, the question. Since nobody knows who the dead person is yet, is it wrong for me to sort of hope that it’s someone I know but don’t like? I’m basically hoping it’s someone, who if they died, would make my life a lot easier. If you’re thinking I’m evil right now, at this moment in time, then you need to calm the fuck down. Let me explain myself, asshole. Who the fuck are you anyways?

Now, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I am not evil, just hopeful for a better tomorrow. Think about it, the person that died could have been a legitimately good person. They could have had a good family, run an ice cream social, put together team building exercises, and help plant trees on the weekends. But if my wish comes true and the person or persons I’m thinking about, who bother me dearly, died then society would be benefited as a whole because most likely they are annoying and bothersome and just a bad all around person.

On the other hand, I’m wishing someone would die. I don’t think that’s so bad though because someone ALREADY died! Not only do I hope someone I dislike dies but then I try to picture my life without that person in it and how much better it would be, which really makes it awkward the next time I see them.

Maybe I’m a selfish prick or maybe I’m an evil bastard. I like to think of myself as a dreamer. I dream of a better tomorrow. I’m quite like a pioneer actually, a pioneer of wishful death thoughts… Whatever that means.

So am I evil? Am I normal? Am I evil but justified? Vote!!

Tags: better_tomorrow, death, died, evil, hopeful, pioneer