Ok, here’s the deal kids. I just threw up a little something called a Tumblelog, here is a description of what that exactly is:

A tumblelog is a variation of a blog, that favors short-form, mixed-media posts over the longer editorial posts frequently associated with blogging. Common post formats found on tumblelogs include links, photos, quotes, dialogues, and video. Unlike blogs, this format is frequently used to share the author’s creations, discoveries, or experiences without providing a commentary. One of the many tumblelog sevices is tumblr (which is what I use).

A tumblelog is a quick and dirty stream of consciousness. — From Wikipedia

JoshScanlan.com will remain what it is, mainly for longer posts, stories and Ask Josh things. Kerbink! on the other hand will be updated daily, usually many times daily. It’s not really interactive as you can’t leave comments or anything like that. It’s just basically for you to stare at when you’re bored at work, or before you date rape that girl you roofied up and brought home.

Oh, and as with most things I do, it’s a work in progress…

Kerbink.com

Tags: blog, Kerbink, Tumblog, Tumblr

When I was a child I had a friend named Larry. Larry was the type of kid that nobody really liked, including his best friend, me. We were best friends solely because of geography. We were the only kids our age within about a 5 block radius and being to young to really go anywhere, even on our bikes we were pretty much reduced to hanging out with each other all the time.

But this blog post isn’t entitled “Larry”, so fuck him. I’m sure he’ll get his own blog post a little while later as that’s it’s own disaster altogether. The only reason I bring him up is because during the summers I would usually take a trip with him and his parents to their cabin the middle of the Wisconsin woods, on a lake. It was here when I first became a man. It’s where the feeling of love first covered me like a whore in semen. It is where lust first took hold of me and shook me as fiercely as an unwanted baby… It’s where I first met Annie, the love of my life, the girl of my dreams, the goddess of my desires.

Okay, enough of the cheap erotica novel nonsense. To be honest it was probably the most awkward situation of my young life. We first met when me, Larry, and his parents took his pontoon boat across the lake to one of their friends houses. At their friends house was Annie, their daughter. She was my age but way taller than me, but don’t get me wrong, she was hot for an 8 year old. That first night we didn’t say one word to each other at all, instead I was hanging outside with my good buddy Larry. It was there that I revealed to Larry that I did in fact think that Annie was attractive. She had boobs! What’s not to like?

Of course being 8-10 years old I didn’t know what I was doing. I foolishly told Larry that I thought Annie was “pretty fucking hot”. I swore a lot when I was young. The next day we picked up Annie on the pontoon boat (parents driving) and we were cruising around with her when Larry, out of nowhere, says “Hey Annie, Josh has something he wants to tell you teeheehee.” You fucking bastard Larry! How could you do this to me? So of course the only thing I could do was play it cool and say “What? I-I-I don’t kno… What? Pffffffff, no I don’t. Pshh. What?” Goddamn I was smooth.

Well obviously she found out that I liked her over the course of the week, which made it just awkward. It was awkward in the fact that me and Larry were gigantic perverts and since I liked her and she liked me, Larry and I didn’t understand how I wouldn’t be getting some pussy in the very near future, never mind the fact that I was too nervous to even talk to her, let alone ‘throw it in her’.

Annie and I saw each other every day. We’d talk, flirt, not touch, etc. Then at the end of the trip we both wondered what would ever come of this little week long fling. We were to shy to really talk on the phone and we definitely didn’t want our parents finding out so we just said “see ya in a year or so” and that was it.

Luckily for me Larry took a trip up to Wisconsin every few months. I remember after he came back from his very next trip he called me up right away. He told me that he had to come over ASAP! When he came over he brought me a tape from Annie! She did a whole little talk show thing, with some of her favorite music. Also in the package was a handmade bracelet thing (it was masculine) and some other trinkets that she put together for me! So what did I do? I broke out the old Talkboy! I’d press record, put the microphone up against my other small tape player, play some Kriss Kross while I sat in my TMNT beanbag chair and threw up a little talk show of my own.

Sadly I never heard from her again. I bought her a ring for 99 cents at the mall, the fake diamond was in the shape of a heart and I was going to give it to her the next time I went up there. Sadly my mom confiscated it and said I was “to young to be giving girls rings.” I never again had the chance to see her or say goodbye. To this day I am 100% sure that she was my soul mate, the girl I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with and she probably died a couple years down the road so I’m now shit out of luck.

I also don’t remember her last name so I can’t really Facebook or Myspace stalk her. She probably turned into an ugly whore anyways, most of my ex’s do… Zing!

Tags: Annie, blog, funny, humor, talkboy, trip

Today I was just sitting back, remembering the good ol’ days, when I was a child, when suddenly it occurred to me… I had a lot of problems when I was a kid. Okay, maybe not deep seeded psychological issues or anything like that, but I definitely had more than my fair share of moments that made me look like a fuck up of a little kid. They are the type of incidents that make you cringe so bad when you think of them, you sort of wish you were aborted so you didn’t have to live with the humility.

The first thing that popped into my head during this whole reminiscing period was when I slammed my thumb in a car door outside of my babysitters. This is probably the least embarrassing story because it also shows my super human strength. It was a crisp winter morn. I had my mittens on, stocking cap with the furry ball on top pulled down, and my thumb still in tact, for the moment. As I went to slam my moms car door, for some reason, I didn’t let go and my thumb got smashed. But here’s the thing, I didn’t notice my thumb getting smashed. It didn’t hurt at all. So I hauled off and tried to slam it again, this time with greater force, and again, I didn’t let go of the door. I didn’t even notice it was my own thumb stopping the door until after the second slam. The sick thing is, my thumb nail fell completely off so my thumb looked like a tiny, bruised penis.

Another time I showed my retardedness was when I was riding down the road with my dad. He was driving and drinking coffee, like a lot of humans do. Then out of nowhere a commercial popped into my head from the night before. The commercial rang “don’t drink and drive, or you will die”, or something like that. So I panicked! I said “Dad! Stop drinking and driving! You’re going to get in a wreck and get us killed!” Obviously he tried correcting me by telling me they meant alcohol, but I was stubborn in my obliviousity. “No, they just said ‘don’t drink’, they didn’t say it was only beer! You’re going to get arrested.” Ugh!

The most embarrassing story of them all I think would have to be back when I was in a little thing called the boy scouts… Or the cub scouts… I don’t fucking remember. All I remember is that I thought it was extremely gay, but being as young as I was, my parents didn’t really trust me in making decisions, and after reading the last two paragraphs you could probably see why. Well one day our boy/cub scout leader guy (he never touched me, swear) thought it would be a good idea to take us on a tour of a hospital and show us things about things.

After huddling us into this little room, that got hot pretty quickly, they started talking about stretchers and car wrecks and dead babies, you know, the usual. All of a sudden they break out this fake arm. This arm may have been fake but it sure as shit looked real to me. It had actual hair! And veins! It was extremely freakish looking. Next thing I know they are pushing this gigantic needle into a vein in the arm! Eww! Well I was sitting on my knees, watching in horror when all of a sudden I started looking around the room, everything was turning white and getting blurry. It was like an acid trip sequence in a low budget movie. Then before I knew it I just fell right over. I popped back up but it was to late, a guy in the back noticed and everyone was concerned. They were so concerned, in fact, that they made me lay on a stretcher in front of the whole group of scouts and hospital people! I went from trying not to be noticed by sitting in the back, to up in front of everybody, vulnerable and alone. All I could think of is how everyone was going to make fun of me and how I wasn’t able to take an ambulance ride any longer.

I’m sure there are many other moments in my life when I’ve felt retardedly embarrassed but these are some that just jump out at me right away. As a matter of fact, these types of things still happen to me to this day. It seems like I can’t go a week without doing something devastatingly embarrassing, typically around attractive women… I’m just kidding, there’s no such thing as attractive women in Iowa. I don’t know if you know this but in Iowa all women have hooves, chest hair, and fangs in their vaginal facility… But don’t worry, those facilities are publicly used.

PS: If you’re an attractive woman from Iowa, please prove it by sending me nudes. If you don’t send me nudes I’m going to keep thinking attractive Iowa women are a myth… Sort of like reasonable people in Arkansas and non-plastic people in L.A.

Tags: awkward, blog, comedy, funny, humor, Retard, Stupid