Today I was just sitting back, remembering the good ol’ days, when I was a child, when suddenly it occurred to me… I had a lot of problems when I was a kid. Okay, maybe not deep seeded psychological issues or anything like that, but I definitely had more than my fair share of moments that made me look like a fuck up of a little kid. They are the type of incidents that make you cringe so bad when you think of them, you sort of wish you were aborted so you didn’t have to live with the humility.

The first thing that popped into my head during this whole reminiscing period was when I slammed my thumb in a car door outside of my babysitters. This is probably the least embarrassing story because it also shows my super human strength. It was a crisp winter morn. I had my mittens on, stocking cap with the furry ball on top pulled down, and my thumb still in tact, for the moment. As I went to slam my moms car door, for some reason, I didn’t let go and my thumb got smashed. But here’s the thing, I didn’t notice my thumb getting smashed. It didn’t hurt at all. So I hauled off and tried to slam it again, this time with greater force, and again, I didn’t let go of the door. I didn’t even notice it was my own thumb stopping the door until after the second slam. The sick thing is, my thumb nail fell completely off so my thumb looked like a tiny, bruised penis.

Another time I showed my retardedness was when I was riding down the road with my dad. He was driving and drinking coffee, like a lot of humans do. Then out of nowhere a commercial popped into my head from the night before. The commercial rang “don’t drink and drive, or you will die”, or something like that. So I panicked! I said “Dad! Stop drinking and driving! You’re going to get in a wreck and get us killed!” Obviously he tried correcting me by telling me they meant alcohol, but I was stubborn in my obliviousity. “No, they just said ‘don’t drink’, they didn’t say it was only beer! You’re going to get arrested.” Ugh!

The most embarrassing story of them all I think would have to be back when I was in a little thing called the boy scouts… Or the cub scouts… I don’t fucking remember. All I remember is that I thought it was extremely gay, but being as young as I was, my parents didn’t really trust me in making decisions, and after reading the last two paragraphs you could probably see why. Well one day our boy/cub scout leader guy (he never touched me, swear) thought it would be a good idea to take us on a tour of a hospital and show us things about things.

After huddling us into this little room, that got hot pretty quickly, they started talking about stretchers and car wrecks and dead babies, you know, the usual. All of a sudden they break out this fake arm. This arm may have been fake but it sure as shit looked real to me. It had actual hair! And veins! It was extremely freakish looking. Next thing I know they are pushing this gigantic needle into a vein in the arm! Eww! Well I was sitting on my knees, watching in horror when all of a sudden I started looking around the room, everything was turning white and getting blurry. It was like an acid trip sequence in a low budget movie. Then before I knew it I just fell right over. I popped back up but it was to late, a guy in the back noticed and everyone was concerned. They were so concerned, in fact, that they made me lay on a stretcher in front of the whole group of scouts and hospital people! I went from trying not to be noticed by sitting in the back, to up in front of everybody, vulnerable and alone. All I could think of is how everyone was going to make fun of me and how I wasn’t able to take an ambulance ride any longer.

I’m sure there are many other moments in my life when I’ve felt retardedly embarrassed but these are some that just jump out at me right away. As a matter of fact, these types of things still happen to me to this day. It seems like I can’t go a week without doing something devastatingly embarrassing, typically around attractive women… I’m just kidding, there’s no such thing as attractive women in Iowa. I don’t know if you know this but in Iowa all women have hooves, chest hair, and fangs in their vaginal facility… But don’t worry, those facilities are publicly used.

PS: If you’re an attractive woman from Iowa, please prove it by sending me nudes. If you don’t send me nudes I’m going to keep thinking attractive Iowa women are a myth… Sort of like reasonable people in Arkansas and non-plastic people in L.A.

Tags: awkward, blog, comedy, funny, humor, Retard, Stupid

So here we are again, another Friday. The time during the week when I’m most likely to tell people at work to fuck themselves because I know I can retreat to my home base and drink my worries away for 2 full days! Along with that little nugget of potential glory, it’s also “Ask Josh” day. This is the second “Ask Josh” segment on this site and I’m way excited. For more information on what exactly this whole thing is check out the “Ask Josh” page for more details.

So on we go to the question of the week:

From: Melissa
Question: Do you believe that your soul mate has to be your spouse? Or do you believe in soul mates?

Let me answer the second question first since it would actually make sense. Well the dictionary refers to a soul mate as “a person with whom one has a strong affinity”. So I guess the real question is, what the fuck does affinity mean? Affinity can be broken down to “a natural liking for or attraction to a person, thing, idea, etc.” The only reason I want to be clear on these two words is so I can clearly state that most people are soul mates with their mom…

Seriously though, in our society we have blown up this idea of a soul mate when in reality all it means is “someone you really like a lot”. So unless you’re soul is made of tar and you live in an underground cave somewhere chances are you’ll have a soul mate at some point in your life. So to answer your first question, I sure hope that your soul mate is your spouse, or it wouldn’t make any sense, unless you’re into S&M (Sadism & Masochism not Spaghetti & Meatballs, because lets face it, if you’re both into spaghetti and meatballs what can go wrong?).

Just for the sake of making this blog longer, I’ll go ahead and assume by soul mate you mean someone who, on a higher level, you are meant to spend the rest of your life with. In this case I’m going to go ahead and answer that with the same response as any girl whom I ask on a date “Not a fucking chance you loser”.

People who are lonely don’t believe in them until they find someone, and some people believe in them until their wife fucks the pizza delivery guy when you’re on a business trip. I personally don’t believe in soul mates. I believe that you could have a long term relationship with a number of people, it’s just a matter of who you meet and if you’re both willing to work out your problems together. Any relationship can have soul mate potential, it’s just a matter of pure chance, a lot of hard work, and a willingness to do anal.

Tags: affinity, Ask Josh, blog, funny, humor, questions, soul mate