The big news lately, besides the new iPods, has been that the iPhone’s price has been slashed by $200. The next thing to be slashed? My wrists. No, I’m not one of the many unlucky people who just bought their new iPhone for $600 and am now feeling cheated. I, on the other hand, am the type of person who has used this advancement in technology as a springboard into depression.I like to think of myself as a pretty technologically advanced person. I’m up on all the latest gadgets and gizmos that come out, even though I can’t afford 99% of them. So when the new iPhone came out only months ago, obviously it peaked my interest. I started looking for ways to get out of my shoddy Verizon contract (F Verizon) and jump ship to pick up myself a handy, dandy iPhone situation. It was more of a dream really, because the $600 price tag, and a more spensive monthly bill is not exactly in my budget, and I’m not about to cancel my subscription to bbwlove.org just so I could afford it.

Really though, all the new and exciting devices that come out I usually can’t afford, so why the depression? Why now? Well I started doing a little research and deep psychological work as to why I wanted the iPhone and what it was good for in general. The iPhone has music, movies, internet, maps, email, pictures, YouTube, and oh yeah, it’s a phone too! What a great situation! But what would I specifically use it for? That is the question.

The more I started thinking about this question the more I got depressed. Do I really need email access 24/7? I get, on average, 2 emails a day that aren’t spam. Nobody emails me at all, which is fine. But that means that I must have a lot of people calling me right? Umm, no not exactly. Most days I send and receive zero calls. But I can surf the internet from anywhere! Check out maps to places! Be distracted by YouTube! Well, those are all neat features and everything but I live in a small-ish town and hardly ever get the chance to leave it. Hell, I barely leave my apartment, where I have an abundance of internet through these other neat devices called computers. Even when I do get the chance to leave my apartment it’s mainly to get away from computers and the internet. I don’t need to pay a bunch of money to be on top of my spam and bacn(description) situations. On a side note, if you are serious about using the term bacn… Kill yourself.

So to break it down a little bit I used my incredible math and science skills to come up with this formula:

*Based on Daily Average

2 Emails + 1.5 calls + no social life + small town + no trips = no use for iPhone + [no life] = Sadness

I’m going to take this one further and turn it into a crazy conspiracy theory. It’s pretty much well known that the big drug companies run a good part of this world so I formulated this theory. New advancements in technology are really set on making people depressed so that the drug companies can shoot us up with more zombie meds, making us docile, stupid and pushovers! That’s right, the technology industry has it’s lips firmly placed around the cock of the pharmaceutical industry!

PS: The whole conspiracy theory was really just a way for me to slip in the word “cock”, using that word in every blog is part of my contract.

Technorati Tags: blog, comedy, funny, humor, iphone, ipods, technology

Seriously, I think that MySpace might be the anti-Christ, but not in a good way. Since I’m such an interweb journeyman I have heard complaints constantly from pretty much everyone I talk to about the evils of MySpace. The hatred usually circles around how shoddy the site is put together and how things never seem to work right. It’s a valid point and all, but there are some other things that disgust me even more than the time I accidentally downloaded the BBW porn “Back Fat Mountin’”.

The first thing that bothers me is the “New Message” notification that sometimes pops up when in fact, I have no new messages. Maybe this only bothers me because I’m not what you call “Internet Popular”, so I don’t get messages very often. So when I do get messages, it’s sort of a big deal to me. When I see that notification my heart nearly jumps out of my chest with love for my prospective messenger. When I find out that I have no new messages it hurts my soul to the point that I don’t know if I could ever love again.

Another thing that makes my soul darken a little bit at a time has to do with friend requests. At first you could definitely differentiate the spam whore friend requests, from the normal ones. It’d usually be some slutty looking half naked chick with the name “Daisy” or “Secret”. But nowadays these spammers are getting smarter. The profile pictures they use now are normal looking chicks, who are more the “bring home to mom” type of chicks and not the “violently bang her in an alley next to a crackhead” type of chick that they used to use. So it never fails that I fall for their stupid ploy and check out their profile only to see a disappointing “Win a Free iPhone” text under the “Heroes” section.

Now, I don’t know how many of you have spent, I don’t know, 5 consecutive hours on the MySpace forums, but that is the next thing that bothers me. It’s all 16 year old emo girls complaining about how their boyfriend like to fuck guys and how she doesn’t know what to do about it. I swear, some things I do just to give me the justification to hate humanity. Just spend 30 minutes on their forums and you’ll want to either slice wrists, or dye your hair black and start sucking cock.

Oh, and I’m also sick of seeing the website updates right when I log-in, talking about how they are fixing things. They aren’t. Most likely they are trying to figure out what kind of new background they can put on the front page to whore themselves out a little more. The thing about those updates is that it always shows Tom’s profile picture right next to it. I swear to God, if I ever saw him in person I would drop kick him in his stupid, dry-erase-board-standing-in-front-of FACE.

But for some reason, no matter how much we all bitch about it, we still check our pages hourly. It’s a sickness. I’m secretly hoping that some new airborne disease will come out that kills everyone who has a MySpace page… and the people who thought “Back Fat Mountin’” was a good idea and a clever name.

PS: Check out my MySpace at the link to the right!! Add me plz! The only way I can feel significant in life is by amassing a ridiculous amount of MySpace friends who I can spend countless Saturday nights with, chatting into their ear and typing things like “LOL” and “OMG”. Kill me…

Technorati Tags: blog, comedy, humor, interweb, myspace, naked_chick, porn, spam