Ever since I was a child person I have always known how to take advantage of the concept of “Sick Days”. It didn’t take me long to realize that I could get out of virtually anything if I could pretend to be sick enough. It doesn’t matter, it could be school, work, plans with annoying friends or lame family affairs, the sick day is universal and nobody can question you. It’s perfect!

My addiction to the sick day came when I was in elementary school. I wasn’t what I like to call a “popular kid”. I didn’t have a whole lot of friends in my grade. Elementary school was an awkward situation for me because I wasn’t popular and yet some of the hottest girls liked me… For a little while at least, until they told their ugly friends, and their ugly friends would make fun of them for liking me and it’d be over with. (This paragraph is a perfect example of my possible ADHD problem, as it has nothing to do with the rest of the blog.)

Anyways, my fake sick days really started off as fake sick half days. I can remember at lest 10 times within a couple month span in 4th grade when I would just give up on the school day, and my future just to act sick so I could go home early and eat colorful mini marshmallows and watch Mork & Mindy reruns… Apparently I was also gay when I was little, I’m glad I grew out of that phase.

To my dismay my parents quickly started catching on to my fake sick tactics. From then on out I had to use my gift for sick acting wisely. No longer could I just throw around my pure skill and talent for looking sick, haphazardly because it was clear that someone could get hurt… Me…

That’s right, I was actually hurting myself in the case of the fake sick and still did up until about a year ago. I would get so into the fake sick routine, the physical acting, the voice acting (for calling into work), that I would literally start feeling the horrific symptoms that I would make up. My fake sick would turn into a real sick. So either it’s all mental and my fantastic brain convinced my body I was actually sick, or the marshmallow sludge had eaten a whole through my stomach lining after all these years.

So about a year ago I decided that enough is enough and that I am no longer a fake sicker person guy. I’m an adult now, I have no reason to lie or be deceitful, that’s a child’s game. So now when I don’t feel like doing something with a friend, instead of acting sick I just tell them the truth or say “fuck off for a while please”. Or when I call my boss in the mornings to tell her I’m not coming into work, I just tell her it’s because I have other things to do, like a fake dentist appointment, or that “I’m just sick of you fucking people”.

People are truly understanding and I no longer have to fake sickness to get out of things. I’m all grown up now and finally feel like with this action I have cleared the “Adult” threshold. Now I get to stay at home with a clear conscious, and an easy stomach, while I eat my colorful marshmallows in peace. (I couldn’t tell if it was the color marshmallows or the Mork and Mindy reruns that made me the gayest, so I let the bad judgment of TV Land taking M&M off the air decide that for me.)

Tags: blog, comedy, funny, humor, sick_days

This one time in the past, about 15 minutes ago, I had a situation that has made me question where my life is headed. I was doing my usual weekend morning drive around, went to get cash, energy drink, then to Wal-Mart to buy a videogame. It was at one of these places that I just possibly totally fucked up my future. But I’m getting ahead of myself…

First I just want to point out some observations. When I went through the ATM, the truck ahead of me pulled up to far away from the number pad, so they had to half open their door and kind of hang out of their truck, it was ridiculous. Why do people still do this? I remember this happening when I was a kid. Wouldn’t ‘pulling up close’ to the machine be number one priority in this situation? That’s what you’re going there for, it should be the first thing on your mind. This one observation is enough for me to condemn everybody on the planet as retarded and name myself King.

My second observation comes from the convenience store where I bought my Rock Star energy drink and Fiji water. The observation can best be summed up as, “Stop It, Lesbians”. I just want to preface this mini rant with saying that I have nothing against lesbians. As a matter of fact, movies of them help me on nights when I’m feeling lonely in the pants. Just stop it though, you don’t have to advertise your lesbianocity with your weird butch, curly, mullet and your leather jacket. These types of lesbians don’t even register as humans to me, but I live in a world where all lesbians are 20, hot, and want to try cock every once in a while with their girlfriend and I just happen to be the only guy around.

Now on to me fucking up my future. I was really tired this morning so I decided to pop the Rock Star open on my way to Wal-Mart. It’s not something I usually do but I needed my energy up to be able to deal with the excess of dirty sweatpants that I was about to witness.

So I whip into the parking lot, and the first thing I noticed the most perfect woman ever. She had long brown hair, she was shorter than me, what more could I ask for? I really feel like she could have possibly been the girl that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, I just wish I would have been able to see the front of her…

At this point I’m excited at the possibilities that are now sitting in front of me. What once was a shitty trip to the worst place in the world now turned into a hot, spicy sexual roller coaster with endless possibilities. So I find a parking space and take one last drink of my energy drink when all of a sudden “it” happens. The condensation on the can made for a slippery “set back down” experience. The can slipped out of my hand and I was all of a sudden sitting in a puddle of sweet, sweet, energizing nectar.

In situations where I spill something on myself I like to call it “I drinked myself”. I don’t know if that’s the way I should put it though. I mean, on one hand it sounds different, funny and awesome. On the other hand, however, it sounds like I live in the backwoods somewhere by myself and survive by drinking my own urine/blood/semen.

Anyways, now I’m soaked and sticky and not in a fun way. The drink was all over my jacket and my pants. My balls were pretty much marinating in energy drink. I had no choice but to pull directly out of my parking space and drive straight back home, leaving the girl of my dreams behind. On the way home I couldn’t help but think “maybe she wasn’t the girl of my dreams and this is a sign from the heavens.” Then I thought “what if she was the girl of my dreams and the heavens wanted to know how far I would go for her, wet pants and all and I just totally fucked it up”.

I don’t mean to be a negative outlooker but I choose to think I fucked it up. After all, maybe the energy drink spill was just to get my balls all hyped up for a full weekend of sexual interactioncourse with the girl of my dreams. Now I’m forced to sit home all weekend with hyper balls and the only thing I can think of is butch lesbians.

PS: Here is a video of me I uploaded to YouTube directly after I spilled the energy drink on myself (Ignore the parts about the cops)…

Tags: blog, comedy, funny, future, humor, observation, rock_star_energy_drink, wal_mart

The last couple weeks my creativity and attention span have been completely shot. I sit at my computer almost nightly, staring at a blank screen not knowing what to write about. I think I need a life vacation. It’s kind of dark and ridiculous but I’d like to die for about a week, and then wake up… Wait… I think they have a word for that, a coma… Yeah, I’ll take one of those. Either that or a completely empty beach, devoid of all life besides me and a hot chick who does nothing but blow me. That’d be nice.

Either way, I think I’m losing my fucking mind. There are a lot of things about work that I want to talk about on here but I can’t really do that because of the fact that many people from there read my blog, including my boss. That will make for a fantastic blog somewhere down the road when I quit or get fired.

I did get an Ask Josh question that I really can’t answer. It’s from my friend who was with me during the whole incident explained in the “Cops Are Bored/Lame” blog. It says:

i just wanted to ask you, if i give you ten dollars extra if you can have your thirteen year old friends buy me some jack and coke… thanks

Well played sir… Well played… Remember to submit questions to “Ask Josh” a lot!

Also, it’s been a semi-busy week over at the “Official Fuck Around Site for JoshScanlan.com” kerbink! It’s updated daily (or so) and you must check it out. Here are some links to my favorite posts from this week:

What’s dead and rolling around?

Japanese commercial filled to the brim with awesomeness…

Hilarious quote from comedian Steven Wright.

I’m also on the search for a new website theme for this place. The current one feels a little to…umm…not…good? It feels cluttered with ugliness and nothingness. So that’s happening. I’ll be back to my regular blog posting schedule soon I’m sure, and if I don’t I’ll take down the blog and turn this place into my own personal nude modeling site… Well sort of, it’ll basically just be an enlarged picture of my scrotal arena. The sad thing is, if I did do that my web traffic would quadruple…