The last couple weeks my creativity and attention span have been completely shot. I sit at my computer almost nightly, staring at a blank screen not knowing what to write about. I think I need a life vacation. It’s kind of dark and ridiculous but I’d like to die for about a week, and then wake up… Wait… I think they have a word for that, a coma… Yeah, I’ll take one of those. Either that or a completely empty beach, devoid of all life besides me and a hot chick who does nothing but blow me. That’d be nice.

Either way, I think I’m losing my fucking mind. There are a lot of things about work that I want to talk about on here but I can’t really do that because of the fact that many people from there read my blog, including my boss. That will make for a fantastic blog somewhere down the road when I quit or get fired.

I did get an Ask Josh question that I really can’t answer. It’s from my friend who was with me during the whole incident explained in the “Cops Are Bored/Lame” blog. It says:

i just wanted to ask you, if i give you ten dollars extra if you can have your thirteen year old friends buy me some jack and coke… thanks

Well played sir… Well played… Remember to submit questions to “Ask Josh” a lot!

Also, it’s been a semi-busy week over at the “Official Fuck Around Site for JoshScanlan.com” kerbink! It’s updated daily (or so) and you must check it out. Here are some links to my favorite posts from this week:

What’s dead and rolling around?

Japanese commercial filled to the brim with awesomeness…

Hilarious quote from comedian Steven Wright.

I’m also on the search for a new website theme for this place. The current one feels a little to…umm…not…good? It feels cluttered with ugliness and nothingness. So that’s happening. I’ll be back to my regular blog posting schedule soon I’m sure, and if I don’t I’ll take down the blog and turn this place into my own personal nude modeling site… Well sort of, it’ll basically just be an enlarged picture of my scrotal arena. The sad thing is, if I did do that my web traffic would quadruple…

I’m starting to notice a trend with my blog posts. It seems that a large number of them are referencing convenience stores in one way or another. I’m usually going to, coming back from, or standing in a convenience store when weird stuff happens. I can draw two conclusions from this. Either convenience store people breed awkwardness naturally and I get caught up in it, or my life is so pathetic that going to convenience stores are really the only thing I do so that’s really the only frame of reference I have for situations in general. Hmm… I think I need to do some soul searching.

Anyways, the other day I was standing in a convenience store, preparing to buy a couple Rock Star Energy Drinks. I buy the Rock Star drinks because I like to think of myself as a Rock Star and I need the energy to keep up with my doing drugs (ham sandwiches) and banging groupies (crying while masturbating). I’m standing at the cooler and this one thug wannabe douche is just standing at the energy drink section, open door in hand, just staring at the drinks. He had the typical white, straight billed hat, baggy cargo khaki shorts, white shoes, light blue jersey deal going on. You know, the type of guy who can really think for himself, and develop his own tastes.

After about 5 minutes of standing around, pretending to look at the other drinks to not make it weird, I decide enough is enough. Finally I’m standing right behind the guy, just waiting, which I’m fine with. I’m a laid back guy so it’s not bothering me to much yet. Then, out of nowhere I cleared my throat. I didn’t mean for it to sound like the “impatient throat clear” at all. It was a legitimate, “I think I’m coming down with a cold” throat clear. So now the guy at the cooler looks at me with a mean face and just says “what”, but he said it in a way that sounded like “wha? You got a problem motha fucka? I think I’m black.”

Well me being the bad ass rock star type, I stand my ground, dig in my heels and say, “Umm, nothing…” as I trail off and start staring at the coolers to my left. I also sort of walked away to go look at some beef jerky because I’m so dangerous that if we would have gotten in a fight I would have gone to jail and the store would have sued me for getting blood soaked into the ceiling tiles. What seemed to be 30 minutes later, but was actually closer to 15 seconds, the guy finally makes his decision and grabs a Red Bull. Probably to mix with vodka or Jaeger like the ground breaking trend following setting stereotype nightmare that he is.

So I finally grab my couple cans of Rock Star and head to the counter, where I stand behind an 80 year old man who is shakily writing a check as I am now about 45 minutes into my convenience store run, (bad joke alert) or should I say inconvenience store? Am I right or am I right?

Finally, I pay for my shit, walk out the door and out to my car. Where I see thug wannabe and his thug wannabe friend just sitting in their old shitty rust Cadillac with these rims that were as ugly as they were shiny, starring at me. At this point I felt like the fight would be more even with them two versus me so I decided to get a little cocky. I put my hand in my pocket… Pulled out my keys… Put my keys between my knuckles… Pulled my elbow back and my fist up… Put the key in the ignition, turned on the car and got the fuck out of there. I sure showed them…

Tags: awkward, blog, comedy, Convenience Store, funny, humor, wannabe thug