These are the things that have been on my mind: 

If Hilary Clinton gets the party nomination I will kill myself in the head. Actually, I probably wouldn’t, because with my luck I’d fail and just end up retarding myself.

On the subject of politics, if I see one more TV campaign ad I’m going to puke blood (I live in Iowa so it’s horrible).

How long will it be before we see Brittany Spears climbing the Empire State Building with a giant Hershey’s bar in her hand and swatting at airplanes?

Jessica Alba + Pregnancy + Engagement = One less masturbatory session per day.

I just played the Nintendo Wii for the first time ever recently. My first reaction? “Fuck I’m out of shape.”

I hate the Patriots… The football team and the political type.

Why did I have a dream about having a three way with mermaids the other night? I’m not even sure how that’d work.

Jennifer Love Hewitt used to be in my wet dreams, now she’s in my scary ones.

My New Motto: If you’re fat and annoying at least bring treats.

The writers strike is the worst thing that could have happened to my penis, as we live in a golden age of internet porn.

The only thing on my New Year’s Resolution list is “Don’t change anything, you’re a beautiful and unique snowflake from the heavens.”

The best online video I’ve seen in a while is Drunk History.

People stopped submitting Ask Josh questions… WTF?!?

I am out of ideas…

Tags: britany spears, hilary clinton, patriots, resolution

Well, it’s that time of year again. The time when I get thoroughly annoyed by anything remotely resembling a little holiday called Christmas. Not only that, but I also have snow problems.

Being the lazy type of guy that I am, I usually wait a good 3-5 days after a snow storm before I go outside and clean off my car. Since I walk to work and have no social life, car cleaning is not really a necessity to me. Usually I end up going cleaning it off after I start getting paranoid that everyone else in the parking lot is secretly annoyed with the eye sore that is my snow covered car.

The other day I decided to go get my oil changed, but my self consciousness started to get the best of me. You see, I still had a large amount of snow on my roof and trunk as I typically only clean snow off my windows. My crazy internal dialog went something like this:

“I wonder if the oil changer guys will get mad at me for having so much snow on my car. After all it is inside, in a heated environment, and some snow might melt, creating a sloppy situation.”

“Yeah, they might get a little upset, but I really don’t feel like cleaning the snow off my roof and trunk, isn’t that a little unnecessary? Won’t people be looking at me weird for doing that? Who cleans the snow off of their entire car anyways?”

“Point well taken self, but how many times have you seen a snow covered car being taken indoors, especially during a mechanical checking or fixing type thing? Never, that’s right, never!”

“Okay, but I’m on my way there and what am I going to do? Stop at a gas station, get out, and scrape the snow off my car? People would think I was absolutely crazy.”

“Hmm, I wonder if I could find a building to pull behind, out of public view.”

“Oh, screw it, I’m already here. I hope I don’t get punched.”

Surprisingly, there wasn’t a line at the oil change place and I was able to pull right into the garage area. The guy who works there walks up to me with a clipboard and kind of looks at my snowyness. He then says “Wow, that’s going to make a mess.”

In my mind I’m like “Okay Josh, here’s your chance, show him the balls that you’ve been trying to incubate for the last few months. Stick up for your laziness!”

So I sort of chuckled, and calmly said “Yeah it will, so you should probably get to work before it starts melting.” Kaboooom! I just totally owwwned this guy. Nobody fucks with the Josh! Except the only problem is, that the way those words came out of my mouth it may have sounded more like “Oh, sorry about that. I just need an oil change. Thanks.” It’s all a matter of perspective really, or it could just be me pussing out once again.

Tags: Oil Change, Snow

This is really kind of disturbing. I guess what I lack in blog creativity this week I’m going to make up for in disturbedness(?). It all started on a podcast that I listen to (NLO). The host started with telling a “cringe story” about these images coming in his mind of a slicer, shaving off his nipples. From then on a lot of the listeners have been sending in their cringe stories to the show. I have to say, though, that none of the stories thus far have made me cringe.

Then it happened. I was at work the other day, when the lady that sits behind me went into the large supply closet. When she exited the closet I noticed that she had one of those paper shredders that you place on top of your garbage can. Upon seeing this paper shredding device a disturbing image flooded my mind. I pictured putting the tip of my dick into the small, grinding, metal teeth of the paper shredder as it latches on and starts eating away. I’m guessing the paper shredder would just grind down until it’s stopped by my body, then it’d probably just grind on the already cut strings of what used to be my cock. I don’t even know if a penis could fit into the top of a paper shredder unless it’s completely soft and you smoosh it down.

For everybody else’s stories not bothering me, this little image that came into my mind has been screwing with me ever since. It’s not like I wanted to stick my cock into a paper shredder but it’s just one of those images that jumped in my mind and now I am powerless to it.

I have these sort of crazy thoughts cross my mind all the time. Like once when I was in New York City on top of the Empire State Building I had these clear mental images of me jumping… or pushing just some random person over the side (if there wasn’t a 10 foot high fence surrounding the entire fucking thing). Actually, in most situations that just jump into my headspace it’s me killing someone and then trying to figure out how I would get away with it or not get caught. I also kill ladies in real life with my stunningly good looks, but that’s another story entirely.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Is this normal to have these sort of weird thoughts about killing or mutilating myself or other people? It’s not like I’d ever cross that line, but goddamn it, it’s really making me wonder if I should have myself committed.

Tags: cringe, killing, mutilation