This is really kind of disturbing. I guess what I lack in blog creativity this week I’m going to make up for in disturbedness(?). It all started on a podcast that I listen to (NLO). The host started with telling a “cringe story” about these images coming in his mind of a slicer, shaving off his nipples. From then on a lot of the listeners have been sending in their cringe stories to the show. I have to say, though, that none of the stories thus far have made me cringe.

Then it happened. I was at work the other day, when the lady that sits behind me went into the large supply closet. When she exited the closet I noticed that she had one of those paper shredders that you place on top of your garbage can. Upon seeing this paper shredding device a disturbing image flooded my mind. I pictured putting the tip of my dick into the small, grinding, metal teeth of the paper shredder as it latches on and starts eating away. I’m guessing the paper shredder would just grind down until it’s stopped by my body, then it’d probably just grind on the already cut strings of what used to be my cock. I don’t even know if a penis could fit into the top of a paper shredder unless it’s completely soft and you smoosh it down.

For everybody else’s stories not bothering me, this little image that came into my mind has been screwing with me ever since. It’s not like I wanted to stick my cock into a paper shredder but it’s just one of those images that jumped in my mind and now I am powerless to it.

I have these sort of crazy thoughts cross my mind all the time. Like once when I was in New York City on top of the Empire State Building I had these clear mental images of me jumping… or pushing just some random person over the side (if there wasn’t a 10 foot high fence surrounding the entire fucking thing). Actually, in most situations that just jump into my headspace it’s me killing someone and then trying to figure out how I would get away with it or not get caught. I also kill ladies in real life with my stunningly good looks, but that’s another story entirely.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Is this normal to have these sort of weird thoughts about killing or mutilating myself or other people? It’s not like I’d ever cross that line, but goddamn it, it’s really making me wonder if I should have myself committed.

Tags: cringe, killing, mutilation

I’ve been having problems with instant messaging lately. I constantly find myself in these awkward IM situations that really hinder my internet experience. Somehow, someway I end up in these horrible conversations which I’d rather just not deal with.

Sometimes I get bored for a split second so I double click on a persons name and just type “hi” and as soon as I hit “Enter” I know I’ve made a mistake. As soon as I hit Enter I’m like “fuck me, why did I do that. Goddamn it.” I start getting flashbacks of having to participate in a hour long IM conversation about absolutely fucking nothing. Generic Question after generic question, or some random gay dude pretending to be a chick, trying to get me off with words. It’s annoying.

I’ve come up with a pretty decent tactic to avoid these awkward conversations without looking like an insensitive asshole (I am). When someone I don’t want to talk to messages me I wait about 4-5 minutes, then I change my status to “away”, and go about my porn browsing business. That way, it looks like I have been away from my computer before I even got their message.

Another thing I often like to do is when someone starts a conversation:

Annoyer: “Hi”

Amazingly Awesome Me: “Umm, hey”

Annoyer: “What’s going on?”

Amazingly Awesome Me: “BRB”

Then I just fucking leave them. I don’t even leave my computer, then I go through the progressions but this time I have to wait 10 minutes before changing my status to “Away” or I just leave my computer altogether. This way I don’t hurt anybodies feelings and I don’t get into any weird confrontations.

All this talking about IM’s reminds me of a story. I had just gotten my first computer at my Mom’s house. I was 14ish. I heard through the grapevine that ICQ was the program to download and get my chat on with. Plus, how can you go wrong with the train horn and the high pitched “uh-oh”.

The thing I liked about ICQ is that you could find random people instantly and just start chatting away. Well this was a gigantic challenge to me because I was an extremely perverted kid. I would try desperately to get women to send me boobie pics.

Oh, I had it all worked out perfectly. My story was that I was a 25 year old actor living in Los Angeles and I just got done costarring in this big Hollywood hit. It was the perfect crime! It also worked out fantastically, sort of.

I ended up chatting to these hot 24 year old twins, who just happened to be models! I think that’s the first time I realized that I had game. Anyways, they lived in LA and they were totally going to send me pictures! The only problem was that they had to mail them apparently so they wanted my address.

I always found that situation a little weird, their profile said they were a 35 year old Male but they said that was just to through off the scent of perverted men. I also forgot to change my profile age so it said I was a 14 year old boy. I can’t believe I tricked them like that. If I really did live in LA I would have soooo gotten some hot twin action at the age of 14… Either that or raped and murdered by some fat guy with a mustache.

Tags: awkward, Conversation, instant message