Last night had to be the most absurd night in my adult life. It started out innocent enough, with a friend coming over before we headed out to a small concert in the garbage hole of a town that I live in. A friend of his was playing and everything seemed on the up and up. The guy that we were going to see plays a little bit different type of music than what a lot of people are used to, but it’s cool so I figured there would be an awesome crowd there that I could possibly relate to on some level. Well, color me disappointed.

The show was on the third floor of this building that seemed to be the first building ever erected. We took the elevator up, because why wouldn’t we? My motto has always been “fuck stairs”, not only in stair vs. elevator situations, but in life in general. Once we got off the elevator I could tell we were in for some troubles.

There were two other bands performing that night which I knew were going to be good because they were 16 and labeled themselves “pop/punk”. Ugh. We had to be the oldest people there by about 8 years, besides the doorman who was in his 30’s and looked like a penguin with a construction paper Abe Lincoln hat on. So I came up with a plan of attack which was to sit in the fucking corner and stare down the 16 year old girls like I was a registered sex offender. I don’t know how laws work, but I’m pretty sure that if the girl looks 18, then I won’t get arrested.

Anyways, the first band played for an entire hour with their prepubescent voices and lack of skill. After that, my friends friend played, who was actually really good. You can check out his music here if you want to see why it was odd that he was on the same bill as high school pop/punk “bands”. After he got done I was thinking “oh man, we could probably get to leave now so I can go home and enjoy some delicious honey barbecue wings and watch TV” like the lazy slob that I’m slowly progressing into. Well, that wasn’t the case, and I’m so glad that it wasn’t.

So we decided to hang out for a little bit and see what’s going on around the building. There were two separate bars on the floor with all the 16 year olds. We walked down some stairs to the second floor which, surprisingly enough was another bar called “Spanky’s”, as you could probably tell it was classy through and through. As we gandered through the door into this dark, smoky bar this man in a suit came out and said “Hey guys, I just got married and our reception is in here, it’s an open bar so come on in”.

When we walked into the bar and towards the back the first thing I couldn’t help but notice was a baby’s play pen set up. Oh, the wonders of white trash middle America! It was kind of around a corner so I couldn’t tell if there was an actual kid in there or not, but nothing would have surprised me at that point. After that, this creepy 30-something year old guy who looked like someone took a lawnmower to his teeth area, approached us. He started talking to the guy who was in the band about the local music scene. This part kind of creeped me out big time. He said that he is in love with the local music scene and he can’t get enough of it. Then he went on to say how most of the local music scene is high school boys… Well, at least I can feel better about looking at 16 year old girls…

When we walked into the other room of this place the first thing I noticed was the dance floor that was the size of a dinner table. There were five people on the dance floor at the time and a DJ actually mixing beats like the ones in the MTV rap videos, except white and lonely. That’s when I saw something that scarred my eyes with horror, and my mind with humor.

There was this huge white dude with horrible looking facial hair and a sweater dancing with three trashy, yet nice bodied girls. This guy couldn’t have danced whiter. The girls were grinding on him and all he did was just stuck his cock area out and jiggled around a little bit. Picture a male dog fully “inside” a female dog, all hunched over like and then erase the female dog from your mind. That was this guy’s posture whilst dancing with these three whorish disappointments to their parents.

On the way out of the building for the night I noticed that the first floor of the building is frequently used for bingo. Not only that but I guess there was a basement called the “Oasis Party Lounge”, which I could only imagine is where 40 year olds go and put on their Hawaiian shirts, drink shitty beer on tap and listen to Jimmy Buffett all night long. It was like one of those huge haunted houses they run people through during Halloween, but instead of scaring me to death, they disappointed me in the human race to death. This building was literally a tower of white trash entertainment and I can’t wait for an opportunity to go back.

Tags: Disappointment, Mediocrity, White Trash

Recently I went on a funtastic little trip to a small place called Las Vegas town. This trip was the first big sized vacation that I’ve had for many, many years. It’s the first trip I’ve taken in 5 years where there were these magical flying machines involved called airplanes, I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of these before.

The first thing that I found distressing about this trip was the fact that you have to go through security nude. It’s winter in Iowa so of course I’m wearing 18 1/2 layers, all of which have to be taken off and put into these little bucket bin things that could barely hold a roll of Life Savers. After that whole ordeal there is a long ass wait. You’re supposed to show up at the airport like 3 hours early and by the time you check in your bags and go through security you have about 2 hours and 55 minutes to kill. I’m actually fine with waiting because I’m really good at it. I can wait like a mother fucker.

Once on the plane I dive to a window seat because I don’t fuck around with sitting in the middle. I’m not going to sit by a complete stranger because they always suck. It’s like the airline purposely puts creeps on the aisle if you’re flying with only two people in your party. The guy my dad had to sit buy was at least 125. This fucker was ancient. I swear this guy was already embalmed. Of course, being the caring and loving son that I am I make fun of my dad relentlessly about the old guy dying in his arms during air travel. One final thing about the old guy, he packed a ham sandwich in his carry-on. This fucker meant business.

So we land in Las Vegas and wait for the baggage claim. Already the trip is starting off great as my bag is one of the first one out. My father’s bag on the other hand, always the very last off. I could swear he banged the baggage handlers girlfriend in the airplane bathroom or something.

So we get to the hotel and check into our rooms, and yes I said rooms. It’s not like we were on some homosexual escapade, we had separate rooms. Not only did we have separate rooms, but we also had horrific rooms. For my first time in Vegas I was hoping to have a high up hotel room with a great view of the city so I could look out with the wonderment of a 12 year old boy who just saw boobs for the first time on the internet. Nope, our rooms were on the first floor looking into a fucking wall. If you must see the evidence then you best be clicking here.

One thing you might not know about me is that I am a gambling faggot. I love to gamble and I really have no idea why. It was very much troubling to me that I only had to walk down a hallway and hang a right and I’m in the middle of a fucking casino with it’s attractive lights and noises, with a pocket full of cash. I don’t want to get into the gambling thing too much since it’s boring talk so lets just say that I won hundreds playing poker in cash games and tournaments and I said “I will fuck you in your fuck” to slot machines more than once.

Now let’s get down to Vegas as a city and my perception of it. Vegas itself was not what I expected at all. It’s trashy. You have dirty strip malls that serve no purpose but to be made fun of and there are mexicans standing every 10 feet handing out porno cards for what I can only imagine are dirty, dirty whores. Not only that, but there are way to many fucking tourists. I can deal with walking downtown Chicago or New York because I’m amongst people who live there and know what the fuck they’re doing. In Vegas, however, the streets are crowded with people who are just waiting to stop right in front of you to snap a picture of a fucking neon sign and talk about it’s awesomeness. I don’t know how many people I gave flat tires to or just ran directly into the back of.

I did see some pretty amazing things while there though. I saw an fake Elvis guy standing in the exact same spot and positing every time I walked by him on several days. I also saw a guy that had no arms, his hands were attached to his shoulders. The thing that I didn’t get about this guys was that he was sitting in a manual wheel chair. What the fuck? The guy could walk, I saw him hop out of it once. Wouldn’t you think a wheelchair would be more of a burden for him, you know, since he DOESN’T HAVE FUCKING ARMS? How the fuck did he roll it? It made absolutely no sense to me and his logic made me not want to give him change.

Another thing that I realized in Vegas is that I do not trust anybody there. Everyone just seems so shady. I was thinking that even if a legitimate girl was hitting on me I wouldn’t do anything because I don’t want to end up missing a lung the next morning. A 90 year old woman could by having a heart attack right in front of me in a casino, begging for me to help her and I’d say “Let me guess, the only way I could help is by fixing you with money, go fuck yourself.”

Overall it was actually a pretty awesome trip and it was nice to get out of the state of Iowa. I could definitely see myself living in a place like that strictly because of it’s poker rooms and since after losing hundreds at slots I took an oath to never play them again.

Blog posts may be a little few and far between for a little while because my fucking laptop died all over the place and that’s what I generally wrote blogs on. So if you have any suggestion of laptops that I should buy leave them in the comment section. I have my eye on this Dell laptop but I’m going to try to find some connections so I can get it for cheaper. I’m a very non-rich individual.

Tags: Las Vegas

I just got back from the doctors office because I have a slight cold of some sort. I know what you’re thinking, “Josh, how can someone with your level of awesomeness and superhuman ability ever be sick?” Good question. Apparently my sinuses aren’t that superhuman after all, as a matter of fact, they’re pretty fucking horrible. At least twice every single year I get acute sinusitis. When my doctor tells me that I always say, “well at least it’s not an ugly sinusitis lololololol”. Yeah, that’s right, I actually say L-O-L-O-L-O-L, to which the doctor looks at me funny and then prescribes me a helmet.

Anyways, today when I went into the doctors office I only had to sit in the waiting area for like 5 minutes. Usually I have to wait at least 30 minutes and then contemplate telling the receptionist that I am there again, just in case they forgot about me, all the while getting stared down by some 90 year old cyborg of a human with air tubes coming out of his face holes. After the nurse came out and got me, then weighed me I had to go sit in the little doctors office.

The nurse did all of her usual stuff, take my blood pressure, pulse, tell me how handsome I am. Then she checked out my cock and told me that it was “alright” sized, whatever that means. This year I’m trying to do this thing where I make small talk with everyone I’m put in a situation with. I’m trying to break out of my anti-social, hatred for the human race, self. So I chit chatted with the nurse, made some jokes like, etc. Pretty normal-ish stuff. After a couple of minutes the nurse left and then it was just me and a big “Hang in there” kitty calendar.

One thing that I find extremely odd about doctors offices is when the nurse leaves the room, she closes the door. Then when the doctor goes to come in the room to check you out he knocks on the door before opening it. I’m not sure, but I think with his knock on the door he is automatically making that room yours for the time that you’re in there alone. What does he think I’m doing in there? Jerking off with the thing you use to check blood pressure? Strap it around my cock and push the little air-ball thing multiple times so it gets really tight… What the fuck could I possibly be doing in there that he chances interrupting? The next time I go to the doctors office and he knocks on the door I’m going to yell “just a minute, I’m naked.” just to see what he does.

After the doctor diagnosed me I started trying to talk to him about normal things. Again, starting chit-chat with people that I don’t really know in order to make myself seem not so hate filled. This is how the conversation went:

Me: So are you all excited about it being Super Tuesday?

Doctor: Yeah, I’ve been paying attention pretty closely this year.

Me: Me too, actually. So, who do you like?

Doctor: Haha, I’m not really at liberty to say.

Me: Really? Why not?

Doctor: Well because I’m a doctor and we can’t really talk about stuff like that.

Me: Doctors can’t have opinions?

Doctor: No, doctors can have opinions, it’s just that we cant always reveal what they are.

Me: What’s you’re favorite ice cream flavor?

Doctor: Mint Chocolate Chip.

Me: So you can tell me your opinion about ice cream, but not politics?

Doctor: If a lot of people found out who I was supporting then they might not agree with me and go to someone else.

Me: Oh, well I’m a big anti-chocolate chip nazi so I think this will be the last time you see me.

Doctor: Haha, well that’s understandable. Here is your prescription…

I found this whole interaction really weird, not to mention awkward. To be honest the thing that shocked me the most was my willingness to keep pushing the issue. I’m usually the “just stare at the ground and hope for it to be over” type when interacting with other humans. The guy was Indian (taxi driver type, not casino type) though, and those guys are usually pretty cool when they’re not a suspect of some sort. Oh, and just because he is a minority I’m going to guess he is supporting Obama. Does that my me a stereotyper or does that make me a fucking genius? You be the judge.

Tags: Awkward Conversation, Doctor