Being a very successful and extremely popular internet blogger person (allegedly), I like to keep up to date on a little thing I like to call web site statistics. The main thing I like to look at is where I’m getting my web traffic from, like sites and google searches. Well, ever since I started this little blog I’ve noticed an extremely hot and sexy trend and one reason for me to be crazed with paranoia.

While perusing my world wide websites statistacals I noticed that every couple of days I get someone stumbling across my website by googling “Josh Scanlan”. While this may seem obvious and not a big deal, it actually is. Sorta. You see, I often times apply for new jobs in places like Las Vegas, Seattle, and anywhere but fucking Iowa. This is when it dawned at me that if potential employers were to Google my name, which they often do, and read just one of my “cock” and “fuck” laden blogs I’m pretty much cock fucked out of a potential good employment situation. This blog is effectively ruining my future (hint: send me bundles of money please).

There is also another paranoia that I might as well delve into right now. This other paranoia I have realized from day one and it seems to grow more intense with every potential blog idea I have. A bunch of people from my work place, including my boss, read this blog on a regular basis. Uh-Ohs! In fact, numerous potential blogs in my mental hopper, that I can’t write about currently because I may get fired or stoned by my co-workers. It’s a pretty miserable situation all together.

Now that I have the paranoia out of the way let’s get to the hot, erotic sexiness that I eluded to earlier. As I mentioned before, I can tell what people type into search engines to get to my site. Some of them make sense. Others, however, are nothing less than a very pleasant and erection inspiring surprise. Here are just some of the things people have Googled to come across my site in the last month or so:

• fucking in vegas
• white trash and mexicans in vegas
• boy was fucked his anti
• home fuck stairs guy woman
• penis shoots
• secret of fucked up facials how is there so much
• wife fucking in las vegas
• fuck my wife las vegas
• porn horoscope
• man fuck a female dog pictures
• white trash cock
• philippino vagina
• i let my male dog fuck me for the 1st time
• is it normal to have thoughts of killing?

Wow, I didn’t realize that I ran such sexual love fest of a blog! By the looks of it a lot of people want to have relations with other peoples white trash wives, and pets in Las Vegas and then murder them. Had I known this two months ago I would have had a different kind of Vegas trip entirely.

Tags: Search, Statistics

You may be remembering a blog post from me not to long ago in regards to a recent doctor’s visit. Well, apparently my person hates itself because I’m sick… again. It all started last Friday. As I walked out of the building in which I work I almost immediately came down with a fever, with a side of chills. That’s when I knew it was going to be another fucking awesome weekend.

I spent the entire weekend laying on the couch with a bunch of balled up tissues next to my laptop. At first glance, this may seem normal for an anti-social, self-hating, porn-obsessed human such as myself, but goddamn was this different. First off, my body was too hot from fever and weak to even attempt to abuse little (and I do mean little) Josh, even for a little bit.

I know this seems like opposite day because you’re probably saying “Josh, where’s the kick ass, fuck you, face kicking attitude you usually display for us to giggle our hiney’s off?” First off, only douches say “hiney’s”. Secondly, fuck you, I’m still sick and sweating and freezing at the same time. Plus I’ve been humbled ever since I tried to talk to a hot girl at Hy-Vee yesterday when she said “hi” and I said “how’s it going” in the most raspy, nasaly, mucus throated, alien sounding voice ever. I sounded like Chewbacca getting ass raped by a weed whacker. So sorry if my confidence is a little shattered at the moment.

So as I typically do, I went to the doctor’s office to get a prescription and my confidence back. If I was telling you this story in person I would say “long story short, the doctor bitch totally cock blocked me in the pill intake valve part of my body.” But since this is a written word blog, I’ll just type the whole situation.

After telling the doctor all of my symptoms and wincing because of my horrid voice and sore throat, the doctor just sat silent for a moment. Finally, after writing something in her notepad she looked at me and said “What do you think you have?” WTF? What kind of question is that? If you don’t fix me I know what you’re going to have! Your face kicked off your body, that’s what! But I was too weak to be angry so I responded with “A…thing that…makes people sick?”

Then she started rambling about nonsense out loud like she had no internal dialog and had to talk it all out. She went on, “well it sounds like you could possibly have a upper respiratory disease, and if that’s the case then we have to decide if it’s viral or bacterial. Do you know anyone who has Strep Throat? No? Okay, yeah, definitely an upper respiratory disease. I’m leaning towards a viral one. Generally for that you just want to rest a lot and drink fluids.”

Meanwhile I just sit there fucking bewildered at this ex-meth addict looking whore doctor that somehow must have blown a truck load of cocks to get where she is today. Not only, is she horrible at life, but she also totally stonewalled my prescription. She said that viral infections just sort of have to work themselves out. At least give me something to ease the symptoms so I can get my shit together. For all I know that girl at Hy-Vee could have been “the one” but this bitch of a doctor totally fucked me over with her lack of pill generosity.

Tags: Doctor, Sickness

Every time the Iowa lottery gets over $100 Million everyone I know starts talking about what they would do if they won. Almost everyone starts out by saying they’d buy a house in a warm weather place and a new car or something equally as generic. When the younger guys are asked they always say something like “hookers and blow, lolz” and I want to shoot them in the face with a penis dart. Yes, my penis shoots darts, which is the first thing I would do if I had millions. I would install a penis dart system of some sort. It’d be for protection from muggers and fatherhood.

One thing I would definitely do with my money would be to carry a thousand dollars in ones in my pocket at all times. No, this isn’t some hack strip club joke in the making. It’s actually quite brilliant. Every time I get into one of my awkward situations with someone, which I tend to get into a lot, I would just take out the wad of money and throw it in the air, creating a cloud of money that will allow me to escape unscathed.

Since I’m generally a hate filled guy another thing I would do is pay people who I hate to let me kick them right in the facial part of their person. I’d go all the way back to kindergarten and up, finding people who made fun of me, or I just didn’t like for whatever reason. I think the first person I would go after is the kid on the little league baseball team who thought it would be funny to fart in my face. Not to mention the pitchers back then who relentlessly hit me near the penile code area with their horribly thrown baseballs. Yeah, fuck those people. Here’s 10 grand and a face kick for your trouble.

Oh man, I just thought of another totally great idea whilst typing this. I would start up a convenience store in my front fucking yard, freshly stocked just for me. It’d be just like any other convenience store, except clean and with smart people working there. Oh, oh, and not only that, but I would have my favorite places to visit, stores, coffee shops, theaters, etc. install my own private restroom! No more stage fright in the urinal system! No more paranoia of the guy next to me gandering at my penis dart gun!

Another thing I would set up is my own private helicopter equipped with pilot and some sort of super, extra loud intercom system attached to the outside of it. That way I can fly around the city that I move to and remind everyone how much better I am than them. Maybe I’ll also drop flyer’s from the helicopter that just say “Josh Scanlan > You” and then somehow implant a speaker chip like those annoying birthday cards that you open up and they sing to you, but instead of a dreadful song it’ll just be me laughing.

Man, all this writing about what I’m going to do if I win the lottery has me super excited! I’m actually pretty much a lock to win the lottery within the next week or so because not only have I been watching The Secret, but I’ve also been purchasing 5 tickets at a time! I guarantee that I’m the only person who thought of this strategy, as it’s really quite brilliant. Not only that but I’m pretty money desperate at the moment. If I don’t win the lottery sometime soon my life will pretty much be in shambles. I really have no other plans.

Tags: Lottery, Penis Dart