Every time the Iowa lottery gets over $100 Million everyone I know starts talking about what they would do if they won. Almost everyone starts out by saying they’d buy a house in a warm weather place and a new car or something equally as generic. When the younger guys are asked they always say something like “hookers and blow, lolz” and I want to shoot them in the face with a penis dart. Yes, my penis shoots darts, which is the first thing I would do if I had millions. I would install a penis dart system of some sort. It’d be for protection from muggers and fatherhood.

One thing I would definitely do with my money would be to carry a thousand dollars in ones in my pocket at all times. No, this isn’t some hack strip club joke in the making. It’s actually quite brilliant. Every time I get into one of my awkward situations with someone, which I tend to get into a lot, I would just take out the wad of money and throw it in the air, creating a cloud of money that will allow me to escape unscathed.

Since I’m generally a hate filled guy another thing I would do is pay people who I hate to let me kick them right in the facial part of their person. I’d go all the way back to kindergarten and up, finding people who made fun of me, or I just didn’t like for whatever reason. I think the first person I would go after is the kid on the little league baseball team who thought it would be funny to fart in my face. Not to mention the pitchers back then who relentlessly hit me near the penile code area with their horribly thrown baseballs. Yeah, fuck those people. Here’s 10 grand and a face kick for your trouble.

Oh man, I just thought of another totally great idea whilst typing this. I would start up a convenience store in my front fucking yard, freshly stocked just for me. It’d be just like any other convenience store, except clean and with smart people working there. Oh, oh, and not only that, but I would have my favorite places to visit, stores, coffee shops, theaters, etc. install my own private restroom! No more stage fright in the urinal system! No more paranoia of the guy next to me gandering at my penis dart gun!

Another thing I would set up is my own private helicopter equipped with pilot and some sort of super, extra loud intercom system attached to the outside of it. That way I can fly around the city that I move to and remind everyone how much better I am than them. Maybe I’ll also drop flyer’s from the helicopter that just say “Josh Scanlan > You” and then somehow implant a speaker chip like those annoying birthday cards that you open up and they sing to you, but instead of a dreadful song it’ll just be me laughing.

Man, all this writing about what I’m going to do if I win the lottery has me super excited! I’m actually pretty much a lock to win the lottery within the next week or so because not only have I been watching The Secret, but I’ve also been purchasing 5 tickets at a time! I guarantee that I’m the only person who thought of this strategy, as it’s really quite brilliant. Not only that but I’m pretty money desperate at the moment. If I don’t win the lottery sometime soon my life will pretty much be in shambles. I really have no other plans.

Tags: Lottery, Penis Dart

When I was a child I had a “best friend” named Larry. Larry was the type of kid that I didn’t really want to hang out with, but sort of had to hang out with because he was the only kid my age on my street… That and because I wasn’t exactly popular in grade school. Here’s a little fun fact, one time in 5th grade I got my first girlfriend! She was hot! And by hot I mean average! She broke up with me after a day because she was popular and all her friends made fun of her for liking me. Awesome!

This story isn’t about young heartbreak though, it’s about young face break. Through all of mine and Larry’s (non-sexual) adventures it seems like I would break his face completely off about 75% of the time. You see, Larry had a nose problem that he kept having to get surgery on because something would break in his nose and it’d bleed like a vagina. So today I will share a couple face break stories with you.

It was a sunny spring day and me and my father figure were out tossing around a magical flying disk called a frisbee. Well, as per usual I was kicking ass at the frisbee. My frisbee accuracy was off the fucking charts. It’s a shame that frisbee golf is restricted to gays and old people, because I’d be fucking awesome at it.

Anyways, in the midst of our frisbee throwing adventure, Larry came sauntering down the street to hang out. Larry was standing right next to my dad when I said “hey Larry, watch my wicked accuracy, yo” and whipped the frisbee as hard as I could and it totally hit Larry square in the nose! Twenty foot nose shot, kablaam! Well his nose started running like a blood faucet and he had to go home. Since I secretly hated Larry I was glowing with pride for like a week afterwards.

This other story is about how Larry and I loved to play this game called Desert Strike or Jungle Strike, or Urban Strike… Any of the “Strike” games really. We’d build a fort in my basement next to the Sega Genesis that would be our base, and every day we would act like we were the pilots of the helicopter on the game. Well some days we didn’t feel like playing so we’d retreat to our tent base and listen to Kris Kross on my Talk Boy.

Well on this certain day there was some major tension. Larry wanted to play the game, but I wanted it to “be too cold out to fly the helicopter”. So we compromised…kinda. I was upset because Larry was annoying me with his general douche baggery when we decided to play the game in a couple hours instead of instantly. Everything was cool, or so he thought. I, on the other hand, decided to take the situation into my own, mighty and powerful hands… err… feet!

Larry started to enter the tent base on his hands and knees, crawling in. The blanket door was hanging down so you could see the outline of his face and he couldn’t see a thing. Well I didn’t even think about it at the time, I just reacted. What I did was cock back my leg and kick him as hard as I could right in the facial arena situation! It was bad ass! Instead of playing Desert Strike I was playing Facial Strike and I just beat the fucking game!

The only problem I soon found myself having was finding my excuse for kicking him in the face. Even as a kid I was a brain ninja. I could come up with excuses on the fly like a fucking excuse wizard, minus the ugly hat and magical wand, but I’d keep the wizard robe because baggy robes are fucking awesome. For my excuse I said that I was laying on my stomach fixing my Talk Boy and moving my legs up and down in a ‘kicking the ground’ sort of motion, you know like kids do. Well everyone bought it and Larry got sent home again!

I know that a kicking in the face story sounds made up, but it’s really not. The only reason I wanted to let out this little secret is to show all of you that if you annoy me in the slightest way I’m kicking you in the fucking face, stat… Then I’ll curl up on my Ninja Turtle bean bag chair and listen to Kriss Cross on my Talk Boy, with my pants and shirt on backwards and take a nap. That’ll teach you! Biatch!

Tags: Desert Strike, Face Kick