Welp, it’s been almost two weeks since I’ve posted anything here on my blog so I figured I’d put up little update of sorts. I’ve been kind of busy with things and stuff and trying to figure out what I’m going to do with my life situation (the lack of money part, I’m not gay or anything). Kind of taking it a little chill on the blog lately, half break sort of. Actually, I have a plan for this blog which I’m hoping will bring more good situations from it. I’m going to treat this blog like a woman. I’m going to ignore it completely and act like I don’t need it, then hopefully it will try to win me back with blowjobs (aka more readers and/or money). Then me and blogging will live happily ever after… Until she starts getting hollowed out by black dudes on the side.
Since there has been a lack of entertainment on the blog lately I thought I’d post a video that I just came across that I found slightly comical. It’s titled “The Worst Porn Intro Ever”.
Well, it’s been months and months and months since I received an Ask Josh question here, but this week I’m in luck! I get two! In case you don’t already know Ask Josh is a thing that I came up with where people send me questions about what’s really bothering them in their life. It helps them out and it showcases how much smarter I am than them, so it’s really win/win.
First Question:
I’ve been going through a stressful time in my life lately, going through a divorce and all. With my new found freedom and stress, I bought a pack of cigarettes. Ive smoked off and on since I was 15, but have never considered myself a smoker, or addicted. My question to you, as I’m nearing the last smoke in the pack, is: should I buy a new pack, or stop while I’m ahead in fear of becoming addicted?
Well, let me start off by saying “smoking is awesome”! Seriously, there is nothing more attractive to me in a woman than the scent of stale smoke. Not to mention that when women smoke it makes their internal vag situation like two pieces of sandpaper stuck together with smoky maple syrup. Sexy!
Not only do I recommend you keep smoking, but I also recommend you to chain smoke. The reasoning is quite simple really. You’re single now, you could very well be the next victim of my a sexual attack. Well, each cigarette is like a mini self defense weapon. If some dude comes up to you, cock in hand, just stick your already lit lung candy down the perpetrators peep hole. Or, in case you have to fend off a really, really weak guy, or a small woodland animal, you could fashion together two cigarettes with a small thread and use them like nunchucks.
In addition to all that, I’m going to blame your entire divorce on lack of smokes. Yeah, you read that right. It sounded like you didn’t smoke while you were with him, and all I’m saying is that maybe if you did smoke, even a little bit, it could have saved your marriage. That, and if you weren’t a complete whore. All I’m saying is that maybe you should have spent a little more time smoking cigarettes and a little less time smoking random trucker cock.
Second Question:
is their a man spying me and is going to kidnap me
Yes, there is a man that is spying on you and going to kidnap you. I can also tell you that he is someone you turned your back on long ago. It’s someone that you probably don’t even think about, in any capacity, any longer. He feels like if you stayed with him just a little bit longer he could have helped you become a fulfilled human. He is, your English teacher! Learn how to spell and use punctuation you disappointment to your parents. I actually almost didn’t answer this one because I didn’t know if it was a question or a threat. Never read this blog again, idiot… Unless you’re going to offer me lump sums of money, then come back anytime, friend!
Well, I think that about does it for Ask Josh this week. I’d say, check back next week for another Ask Josh situation, but this is the first one since last September so we all know how that’ll turn out.
When I was in Vegas two months ago I had many altercations with people that didn’t make it into my trip recap blog, for sake of length. Plus, as is the case with most of the situations I find myself in with people, they generally make better stand alone blogs anyways. The way this particular altercation started it made me think I was going to have a new friend for a few days, but boy did it take a drastic turn for the worse.
The day started out fantastically! I couldn’t sleep worth a fuck the night before, and woke up at 5am because of the time change from Iowa to Vegas. I wasn’t going to let that get me down though, after all, I was in Vegas! So since I was up I decided to head into the casino by my lonesome and get my gamble on. Well, 15 minutes and $60 later I decided I was probably better off buying $4 mini doughnuts and a $3 bottle of soda pop and head back to my room for a bit, disgruntled and soon to be stomach fucked by the “gotta be years old” doughnuts.
Nine o’clock rolls around and my father and I decided that it’s damn near poker time so we headed back out onto the casino floor. This was my first time playing poker live in a casino type environment so I was a little intimidated to be honest. Being as self conscious as I am I figured it would be a little mind fucking to be getting eyeball fucked by 10 people while I push all my money into the pot. Well, we noticed that there was a $35 tournament going on and realized it would be perfect for me to get used to things. That’s when I met what seemed to be a poker room manager. He seemed like a nice guy, probably because he had a mustache.
Right as we started talking to this guy I noticed the TV’s around the poker room were showing this guy getting his neck sliced in a hockey game. It was this clip here:
Being the conversation ninja I am, I just shout out “Oh my god, did you see this”, interrupting the conversation him and my father were having. I had seen it on TV earlier that day when I was sulking in my stomach cancer doughnuts. So we started chatting about the hockey accident, having a good old time. Then the guy started talking about how one time he was laying in bed, throwing up some sort of ball, when he accidentally hit the glass cover that goes over light bulbs and the thing fell and shattered, and a shard of glass went right into his upper thigh, narrowly missing his happy time place! Holy fruck!
This whole conversation was awesome! I thought we were friends now and every time I came into the poker room during our trip I could chit chat with him and act like I’m a regular big shot type, and could threaten people with my new friends powers. Then it took a turn. He went on with a story about how he slammed a glass door one time and that shattered and cut deep into his arm. Alright, that I can deal with I guess. You’re getting a little long winded, but still it’s still somewhat relevant so I let it slide.
After that he went further yet. He talked about how after the glass door incident he had to drive himself to the doctor and he got pulled over after passing a stop light that didn’t have a “turn right on red” sign, but used to up until that day, but he didn’t notice because he was in a hurry. Then when the cop came up to the car he let him go because he was bleeding. Then he still had to show up at work because it was his first day and he didn’t want to lose his job, but they sent him home anyways. Also, after every sentence he kind of gave us a look like we should at least be half chuckling. So I started out half chuckling at the beginning, but soon refused in protest of his boringness. Not even his mustache charm could save him at this point.
Holy fuck. This whole time I’m just sitting there, staring off into space, slowly realizing that this guy cannot possibly be a friend of mine. I went from happy to have a new friend, to trying to find a way out of this fucking conversation and how to dodge him for the next 2 days. I swear to god, if he had gone on any longer I would have round housed him right in the larynx (voice box, for you retards who might be reading). I sort of half wished that that shard of glass had stricken him right in the peen and sliced it in half, long ways, so it looked like a snake tongue cock.
I really love to write about lots of random things. I want to do it more often, actually. So if you have anything that you want me to write for, even if it's a guest article on your shitty blog (like mine), please feel free to contact me.
