When I was in Vegas two months ago I had many altercations with people that didn’t make it into my trip recap blog, for sake of length. Plus, as is the case with most of the situations I find myself in with people, they generally make better stand alone blogs anyways. The way this particular altercation started it made me think I was going to have a new friend for a few days, but boy did it take a drastic turn for the worse.

The day started out fantastically! I couldn’t sleep worth a fuck the night before, and woke up at 5am because of the time change from Iowa to Vegas. I wasn’t going to let that get me down though, after all, I was in Vegas! So since I was up I decided to head into the casino by my lonesome and get my gamble on. Well, 15 minutes and $60 later I decided I was probably better off buying $4 mini doughnuts and a $3 bottle of soda pop and head back to my room for a bit, disgruntled and soon to be stomach fucked by the “gotta be years old” doughnuts.

Nine o’clock rolls around and my father and I decided that it’s damn near poker time so we headed back out onto the casino floor. This was my first time playing poker live in a casino type environment so I was a little intimidated to be honest. Being as self conscious as I am I figured it would be a little mind fucking to be getting eyeball fucked by 10 people while I push all my money into the pot. Well, we noticed that there was a $35 tournament going on and realized it would be perfect for me to get used to things. That’s when I met what seemed to be a poker room manager. He seemed like a nice guy, probably because he had a mustache.

Right as we started talking to this guy I noticed the TV’s around the poker room were showing this guy getting his neck sliced in a hockey game. It was this clip here:

Being the conversation ninja I am, I just shout out “Oh my god, did you see this”, interrupting the conversation him and my father were having. I had seen it on TV earlier that day when I was sulking in my stomach cancer doughnuts. So we started chatting about the hockey accident, having a good old time. Then the guy started talking about how one time he was laying in bed, throwing up some sort of ball, when he accidentally hit the glass cover that goes over light bulbs and the thing fell and shattered, and a shard of glass went right into his upper thigh, narrowly missing his happy time place! Holy fruck!

This whole conversation was awesome! I thought we were friends now and every time I came into the poker room during our trip I could chit chat with him and act like I’m a regular big shot type, and could threaten people with my new friends powers. Then it took a turn. He went on with a story about how he slammed a glass door one time and that shattered and cut deep into his arm. Alright, that I can deal with I guess. You’re getting a little long winded, but still it’s still somewhat relevant so I let it slide.

After that he went further yet. He talked about how after the glass door incident he had to drive himself to the doctor and he got pulled over after passing a stop light that didn’t have a “turn right on red” sign, but used to up until that day, but he didn’t notice because he was in a hurry. Then when the cop came up to the car he let him go because he was bleeding. Then he still had to show up at work because it was his first day and he didn’t want to lose his job, but they sent him home anyways. Also, after every sentence he kind of gave us a look like we should at least be half chuckling. So I started out half chuckling at the beginning, but soon refused in protest of his boringness. Not even his mustache charm could save him at this point.

Holy fuck. This whole time I’m just sitting there, staring off into space, slowly realizing that this guy cannot possibly be a friend of mine. I went from happy to have a new friend, to trying to find a way out of this fucking conversation and how to dodge him for the next 2 days. I swear to god, if he had gone on any longer I would have round housed him right in the larynx (voice box, for you retards who might be reading). I sort of half wished that that shard of glass had stricken him right in the peen and sliced it in half, long ways, so it looked like a snake tongue cock.

Tags: Boring Story, Shattered Glass