Right off the bat I just want to say that the title of this blog is in no way a request, or an invitation of any kind. I’m not into that kind of stuff at all no matter how much alcohol and/or money you throw at me. Wait, how much money are we talking, first? If it’s enough to let me quit my shitty job and get me a one way ticket out of this fucking place I may have to consider, or maybe if you’re just really, really nice. Hmm, what was this blog post about again?

Oh yeah, I made a fantastic realization the other day that people are calling people “asshole” way to often these days. In fact, I can remember back to a few times in my life where I have been mislabeled as an asshole. Ok, you know I’m an asshole, I know I’m an asshole, but the person who unleashed that word upon me would have no prior knowledge of my asshole-ishness. In fact, I’m throwing my blame for getting mislabeled as sometimes being a spacey, and sometimes even shy individual.

The first example I can think of is when I was about 14 years old. I had not grown into the hugely awesome mix of personality and awesomeness that I am today. In fact I was probably the shyest and most introverted person in the history of humans. I was walking into a bookstore with a group of family members when some stranger held the door open for all of us. The two people ahead of me said “thank you” but for some shy reason I did not so he murmured “asshole” under his breath to me.

I am here today to say that I did not deserve that tag on that very day! I was just extremely shy at that age, plus I was calculating the situation in my head at the time. In my mind I was thinking “hmm, the two people ahead of me said ‘thank you’, maybe that is a sufficient ‘thank you’ for the entire group. How many ‘thank you’s’ does he need?” At that time I had already passed the jerkoff who was holding the door so it was left unsaid. Regardless, wow, you held the door for people, big congratulations to you, sir. Never in my existence have I seen someone pull off that fucking feat before. Make sure you collect your “thank you’s” from every member who passed through. That guy had what I like to call retard emotions.

Thanks to that guy I will no longer go into buildings with other people. I’ll scope out stores, sometimes for hours at a time, just to find a spot where I can enter and exit alone. I’ve pretty much been reduced to going through those motion sensor slidey doors, and those twirly compartment doors which make you feel like you’re going to get your leg chopped of when you enter and exit. Another thing I noticed is that those compartments in the twirly door could be big enough for a bus to fit in, but two dudes will never enter the same compartment together unless they’re fags.

Let’s face it though, I am basically an asshole to a lot of people. I’m just saying that whether it’s opening the door for someone, helping carry bags, helping someone with car problems or saying “hey that girls has AIDS, don’t sleep with her.” It’s possible that people won’t do some of these things, not because they’re an asshole, but maybe they’re shy or crazily self conscious. Or sometimes they will not do some of these things as a complete asshole, but I’ll try to play it off like I’m shy or self conscious…

Tags: asshole, shy