When I was a young kid I had a myriad of different babysitters in many different situations. You could probably guess that my childhood was as awkward as my current day adulthood. First off, I never had any hot babysitters, it was always some ugly bitch from down the street. Even at a very young age I would always hope to get a hot babysitter that I could seduce with my boyish good looks and elastic jeans.

One of my first babysitters that I could remember my parents took me to in the horrible (black) side of town. She was an ancient bitch with a husband and a horribly mean poodle. I don’t remember a whole lot about her except that we used to make waffles and peanut butter and sugar sandwiches. Oh yeah, her husband also died during my tenure there and instead of telling anyone she kept him in the bedroom… Ok, maybe that last part isn’t entirely true because I can’t remember if that really happened or if it was just a dream that was vivid as fuck. I remember walking into the bedroom when I wasn’t supposed to and she told me he was dead, then she said something about insurance or something and told me not to tell anyone. I think the poodle killed him.

After that old lady was another old lady, but this one was plus sized. I also don’t remember too much about her except that she would watch me at our house. The only other thing I remember about her is that she may or may not have been present when I got my head caught in a recliner. All I know is that recliners are like bear traps. I should have known my life was going to be a struggle when a fucking recliner almost took me out.

After those two the next one I remember is my schoolhood babysitter lady. She watched a lot of kids out of her home, so it was really my first social childhood babysitter situation. If the whole recliner debacle wasn’t enough to make me realize I had shit luck, then this babysitter situation certainly drove the point home. I’d always be getting in trouble for something, and I didn’t even mean to be a troublemaker. My heart was totally in the right place!

I was always the one who hit the tee ball over the fence into the angry old peoples yard. Being punished for being amazing at tee ball made me give up sports entirely, that and the fact that I’m really horrible at every one of them except tee ball. We would also play catch in the basement and I was always the one who would knock a fucking light bulb out. Not to mention the time that I threw a bunch of action figures only to watch them flail down the sump pump area. I also got in trouble one time because I made the babysitters son laugh to hard, making him spit his soda all over the fucking table and himself. She yelled at me! I’m not the one who doesn’t know how to drink a soda like a fucking human! Punish me because I’m funny? wtf?

One of the last babysitter situations I remember dealing with was only a one night deal. I was spending the night at my cousins house and my aunt and uncle wanted to go out so they called a babysitter. They told me she was younger so I was psyched. Finally, a possibly bangable babysitter! Turns out she was in high school! Perfect! Except her face looked like my ass, if my ass skin resembled the surface of the moon.

Regardless, this ugly bitch was apparently decent looking enough to have some desperate and ashamed boyfriend, who came over all hush-hush-like after we were sleeping. Well, I fell asleep during Terminator and the next thing I know I have some long fingernailed finger being inserted into my ear arena. I open my eyes and this crazy whore looks at her boyfriend and says “see, I told you”. See I told you? What the fuck did you just do to my ear you psychotic broad? I was also upset that not even my “Sleeping’s For Loser’s Man” Bart Simpson sleeping bag was enough to protect me.

It was the weirdest fucking thing. I fell asleep and when I awoke the next morning she was gone. I never really told anybody about it, but a little while after that night I got an ear infection. That bitch ear poked my fuck into infection land and I wasn’t happy about it. It was like she was some witch that went around giving children ear syphilis or something.

Tags: babysitter