In all honesty I really have no idea why people keep submitting “Ask Josh” questions, but I love it. I actually just got this one a couple hours ago and needed some easy blog fodder. Remember, “Ask Josh” is a segment I do every so often where I answer your deep, life questions. It’s how I give back to the community. For more information click HERE.

This question is from some girl named Brandy… Is it just me or do I get a lot of questions from women? You know my policy on women is, if they talk to me at all they’re pretty much guaranteed to be in love with me. It’s both a fantasy and a burden. Oh, what’s a boy to do…

Anyways, on to the question:

I ran into my first love a while ago and we started to talk. He said he still loved me and that we should have never broken up. I seen him two times and now every time I plan to go see him he won’t answer the phone or he makes up an excuses not to see me. What is his deal? And do I just need to walk away from him?

Not only do all these questions seem to be from females, they are also usually riddled with grammatical errors. Apparently my blogs main demographic is “dumb whores”. Nevertheless, I will do my best to give a fair and honest answer.

It’s pretty clear to me that the first time you ran into your “first love” he was clearly drunk out of his skull. Sure he said he loves you and that you should have never broken up, but guys will say anything to get pussy, even if it’s deformed from being used constantly (I’m guessing you broke up because you’re a whore, as that’s how all relationships usually end, in my experience). In this case I would suggest you not walk away from him. Just leave a message about how you’ll give him a bunch of liquor… and anal… definitely throw in anal because it “hasn’t been used as much”.

So, he was either super drunk, or he just felt completely sorry for you. He probably saw you walking down street and felt bad because of how ugly and fat you’ve gotten. He most likely just wanted to cheer you up because you’re clearly depressed and on the verge of suicide. Giving you a slight reason to keep on living is probably all he was after. In this situation I’d suggest you not going after him. It would definitely be your best bet to go after a minority now that you’re fat and disgusting, because we all know minorities will fuck anything.

Tags: Ask Josh, Relationship Question

Alright, so I’m back again with another installment of “Ask Josh”. For those of you who have no idea what this is let me give you the run down. You send me serious, life questions and I try to help you through your trouble times with my amazingly awesome answers. This is where the funny stops, and I try to actually help people. As always click the “Ask Josh” link for more details and to submit your questions now.

This weeks question comes from a human named Kali:

Why is it that our greatest prejudice is against death? We spend immeasurable amounts of time trying to fight the event that will eventually triumph? It might be noble not to give in easily.. The most alive people I know have embraced death and live, laugh and love more fully than those who are afraid to die.

First of all, Kali, I don’t know who this “our” and “we” is that you’re talking about, so don’t include me in your nonsensical ramblings. The only prejudice I have is against minorities. Every single minority. If I’m eating dinner and there is more pepper in the pepper shaker than there is salt in the salt shaker, fuck salt. Do you understand me?

If you truly think that we shouldn’t fight death then I’m assuming that you’ve never taken any medicine to preserve your life, or eat healthy, or work out. Other than doing those things I don’t really understand how people try to fight death on a continuous basis. Is there an underground club where people go to the cemetary, dig up corpses and fight them under the moonlight? Because if there is, where the fuck do I sign up? I’d like to fuck some old bones up… Unless they’re like really tough and mean, because if that’s the case I’ll just stick to slapping my gigantic stuffed bunny I won at the fair, when I get angry. Maybe if you got off the drugs and learned how to think like a normal person you’d find yourself in a life worth preserving.

Do you know why people who have embraced death have such a great time? Because those people are criminals. If you have come to terms with your death, then why not just go on a murderous rampage and then get the death penalty or end yourself? Is that what you want the world to be, just a bunch of criminals running around having their way with you and your family? Of course you would, you desperate anti-self preserving slob.

Also, who are these people that are so afraid to die? Who even thinks about their own death on a regular basis? I know I don’t, but I’m a special case because I’m going to live forever. I’ll be here in this same spot, jerking off to internet porn and answering your stupid fucking questions for all eternity! Either that or I’m going to be super old and riding around town on a bicycle staring at people weird and mumbling things about time machines, the future and marshmallows. Either way, things are looking up for me.

Tags: Ask Josh, death

Well, it’s been months and months and months since I received an Ask Josh question here, but this week I’m in luck! I get two! In case you don’t already know Ask Josh is a thing that I came up with where people send me questions about what’s really bothering them in their life. It helps them out and it showcases how much smarter I am than them, so it’s really win/win.

First Question:

I’ve been going through a stressful time in my life lately, going through a divorce and all. With my new found freedom and stress, I bought a pack of cigarettes. Ive smoked off and on since I was 15, but have never considered myself a smoker, or addicted. My question to you, as I’m nearing the last smoke in the pack, is: should I buy a new pack, or stop while I’m ahead in fear of becoming addicted?

Well, let me start off by saying “smoking is awesome”! Seriously, there is nothing more attractive to me in a woman than the scent of stale smoke. Not to mention that when women smoke it makes their internal vag situation like two pieces of sandpaper stuck together with smoky maple syrup. Sexy!

Not only do I recommend you keep smoking, but I also recommend you to chain smoke. The reasoning is quite simple really. You’re single now, you could very well be the next victim of my a sexual attack. Well, each cigarette is like a mini self defense weapon. If some dude comes up to you, cock in hand, just stick your already lit lung candy down the perpetrators peep hole. Or, in case you have to fend off a really, really weak guy, or a small woodland animal, you could fashion together two cigarettes with a small thread and use them like nunchucks.

In addition to all that, I’m going to blame your entire divorce on lack of smokes. Yeah, you read that right. It sounded like you didn’t smoke while you were with him, and all I’m saying is that maybe if you did smoke, even a little bit, it could have saved your marriage. That, and if you weren’t a complete whore. All I’m saying is that maybe you should have spent a little more time smoking cigarettes and a little less time smoking random trucker cock.

Second Question:

is their a man spying me and is going to kidnap me

Yes, there is a man that is spying on you and going to kidnap you. I can also tell you that he is someone you turned your back on long ago. It’s someone that you probably don’t even think about, in any capacity, any longer. He feels like if you stayed with him just a little bit longer he could have helped you become a fulfilled human. He is, your English teacher! Learn how to spell and use punctuation you disappointment to your parents. I actually almost didn’t answer this one because I didn’t know if it was a question or a threat. Never read this blog again, idiot… Unless you’re going to offer me lump sums of money, then come back anytime, friend!

Well, I think that about does it for Ask Josh this week. I’d say, check back next week for another Ask Josh situation, but this is the first one since last September so we all know how that’ll turn out.

Tags: Ask Josh, Cigarettes, Stalkers