Welcome back to another installment of “Horoscope Interpretation” with your host, Josh Scanlan. Today we are going to look at a daily horoscope, but not just any horoscope. Today I decided to delve into a little thing I like to call the “love horoscope”. This should be good. Also, if I have a lot of typos in this post it’s because I don’t spell check and because I’ve had a severe case of hiccups off and on for the last 4 fucking hours. I’m about ready to make myself a head amputee if this doesn’t stop soon.

Your passions are running deep today, so whatever is in your heart is getting your full attention. That could be your latest crush or your stamp collection, but you won’t have time for anything else. - From Yahoo! Astrology

My passions are running deep today, blah blah blah. Come on Horoscope, you act like you don’t even know me anymore. Remember when I was young and I used to read you every day? You used to be right! And even when you weren’t I would try to act my life out through what you said, as to not make you disappointed in yourself for being wrong. But I am growing weary of your old tricks Horoscope.

If you knew anything about me you’d know that I have no passions. Wait, I take that back. Internet porn and videogames are my passions, that and staying inside in darkness. Well you are deathly wrong horoscope, there are no new entertaining internet porn vids, and my Xbox just re-broke. Apparently my ‘hearts full attention’ makes things go horribly wrong, which comforts me.

The next line makes me giggle like a little school girl. My latest crush? What am I? 12? I think that’s the last time I actually used the word “crush”. Unless I’m telling my opponent in the underground street fighting championship “I’m going to crush you”. Which I did by the way, he didn’t stand a chance.

Also, I’m supposed to be focusing my full attention on my stamp collection? Okay, so I’m either a 12 year old school girl using the word ‘crush’ or I’m an 85 year old man, who ends up pawning his stamp collection so he can afford Viagra only to shred every last bit of dignity he has left. Way to bring joy into the world horoscope. Your soul has darkened, horoscope, and it sickens me.

A short horoscope = a short interpretation. So I’m going to use this time to remind you 5 people who read this blog to send in your “Ask Josh” questions for this week! Just click the “Ask Josh” link at the top of the page and follow directions like a human. So far I have received 0 this week.

PS: Thanks to the not-so-lady-like lady friend of mine Corrie, who told me to drink water through a paper towel to cure my hiccups. Not only did it work like a charm, but it also gave me a completely wet t-shirt! I think she just wanted to see my award winning man chest better via webcam. I don’t blame her.

Tags: blog, comedy, hiccups, Horoscope, humor, Interpretation, yahoo_astrology

This is a little bit of a segment I’m working on where I take my horoscope (I’m a Taurus) and I say what I think it means to me in relation to what’s going on in my life. So here we go with this little test. If it goes over well I’ll do it more and more.

You’re feeling good — and eager to push yourself a little bit harder — but be careful. Your ambition could start outpacing your capabilities, and if you push yourself too hard, you may get a nasty surprise. Hold back on big gestures or risky moves today, especially when it comes to your finances. Watch your spending, and challenge yourself to tighten your budget. Time spent reducing your material desires will prove to be very profitable in the end. - From Yahoo! Astrology

Okay, right off the bat it starts out by saying that I’m feeling good, which is true for the most part. But the next part is where this horoscope loses me completely. “Eager to push yourself a little bit harder”? Umm, I don’t know if you noticed this or not horoscope, but it’s Sunday. I pride myself on my ability to do absolutely nothing productive on Sundays. In my opinion the whole “Sunday is the day of rest” thing is one of the few things that organized religion does correctly.

That’s when the horoscope takes a turn towards the frightening… Apparently, staring at my computer screen blankly while clicking the refresh button on my email 50 times per hour is also known as “pushing me to to the brink of my capabilities”. Which really makes me feel good about myself. Then it threatens my finances? How dare they! If I want to put all the money I have into an online Japanese antique doll shop which promises to pay me back “$5,000 a week” on my investment (quoted from their email, which somehow made it to my spam folder, Gmail really needs to fix that, their spam filter is obviously broken) then that’s my business, horoscope! Since when do horoscopes want to deny me of an early retirement?

My horoscope must also be the average accountant by saying that I should try to tighten my budget. Gee, thanks, all-wise horoscope, I am now at the peak of enlightenment. Also I found this “Time spent reducing your material desires will prove to be very profitable in the end” hilarious as hell. You mean to tell me, that if I don’t buy as many things that I don’t need, then I’ll actually save money? Wow, horoscope, you just blew my mind. I think I’m going to have to sit here and soak in the plethora of knowledge you have bestowed upon me on this fine Sunday afternoon.

Till tomorrow horoscope…Till tomorrow…

Tags: absolutely_nothing, antique_doll, apparently, blog, budget_time, business_horoscope, capabilities, comedy, day_of_rest, doll_shop, email, feeling_good, gmail, Horoscope, horoscopes, humor, Interpretation, little_bit, material_desires, nasty_surprise, refresh_button, say_what_i_think, spam_filter, spam_folder, yahoo_astrology