I’m so excited right now! These are the types of moments that I absolutely live for. I got my first legitimately offended reader! Total hate mail type situation about my last Ask Josh! I’d be lying to you all if I said I wasn’t at least half hard at all times during our brief email conversation. So here’s what I’ll do. I’ll post the messages we sent each other back and forth and comment on them along the way. I may even give this cunt an actual reason to be offended. Though, I’m pretty sure that last sentence would suffice.

echo said:
i couldn’t tell if you meant the things you said about gay people or if you were joking and making fun of people with those attitudes. or if you really meant it but will say it is a joke if someone asks you. the comment and question from the guy who wanted to come out to his parents was perfectly clear and understandable. and i found it curious that you felt the need to specify the race of the person who asked you that other question. do you have racial attitudes also?

Yes, I’m a racist homophobe. You caught me. I disguise this racism and homophobic behavior by talking about it on a blog, and masking it with humor. There is absolutely no reason to email the person, whose work you stumble across, because you don’t fucking understand it. “Well, I just wanted to email and tell you that I think you’re completely wrong and that racism is still a big deal…” shut the fuck up. You’re clearly using the internet to come across people that you can argue with to give off the illusion that you’re smart, and better than everyone else, which is weird because the only way you come off is as an ugly girl, who couldn’t get a boyfriend and grew up increasingly bitter, and jealous of everyone else’s happiness.

In fact, the only person who has a reason to be offended is the “gay black” gentleman who sent me the question and who I made fun of. Do you want to know his response to my last Ask Josh? “Haha Hilarious!” That was his response. But no, some random white girl was offended. Funny how that works. That’s exactly what I said in my response, by the way.

It goes on…

echo said:
i don’t know you , so i thought i would ask. it’s just that the depressing fact is that more people have these attitudes than one would like to think in these quasi-enlightened times. i just heard that a congressman referred to Obama and his wife as “uppity”. and since i don’t know you, it was hard to tell. it wasn’t that i couldn’t tell you were joking, it was that that often disguises racism as it purports to pass it off as a joke. i get very downhearted about these things. primarily prejudices and magical thinking (belief in god), and then the lack of cleverness and art in people. i keep hoping to find people without the former, and some measure of the latter.

Josh said:
At first I thought you might be legitimately offended… Turns out you’re just lonely and bored.

echo said:
at first i thought you might be a reasonably decent person. turns out you’re just another asshole. i was suspicious of you having these attitudes even though they were cloaked in humor. i almost deleted you, but as i said, i thought i’d ask. perhaps i was misinterpreting. now i see many more flaws that cannot be excused. that was callous and hurtful. not to mention that you don’t seem to get what i’m saying.

Your first solid, and completely legitimate point! I’m an asshole! I’m actually really glad she pointed this out because I’ve worked far too hard for my entire life to get to this level of asshole. So thank you for noticing.

Maybe I don’t get what you’re saying because you’re not really saying anything at all. You’re all over the fucking place in your replies. Then you bring up Obama, and religion for no point at all except to hopefully have one of those topics spark up an anger in me enough to reply and get into some sort of internet debate. I even looked at her groups she’s started on Virb and they were basically argument based. Even when someone agrees with her on a topic she somehow finds a way to argue about it… Yet, I’m the asshole.

In all honesty there have been more replies since the last one, but it’s just more of the same. Apparently I’m stupid, I’m not funny or witty, I’m not awesome, my existence tortures her, and on down the line of “every thing you think you are you really aren’t” type of comebacks.

So what am I going to do about this situation? Well since all she wants to do is argue with everyone I would be a fool to keep playing back at her with my slew of awesomeness and insults. I’ll do what my mother taught me and kill her with kindness. Since she can’t stand my existence it’ll be my job to send her a message every morning that says something like “Hope you’re having a fantastic day my love! xoxoxo”. Or “I just dreamed that we were married last night, I can’t wait till it really happens!” You know, your basic weird, stalker-like harassment, since that’s what any girl I’ve ever talked to says I’m best at.

Tags: crazy bitch, Rebuttal

I have a secret that I would now like to confess to all who read this particular blog post. It took me 3-4 hours to do the necessary research for this post. Not only that, but now I need to take a shower, I’m tired, and am completely disappointed in myself. I’m also slightly concerned that I have an extreme addiction to pornography. Let’s just say I’ve “been around” on the internets. Throughout my unending search for only the finest pornography available (that’s still free), I’ve come across some terrible titles for porn videos. Sometimes they’re so bad that they laugh me out of “the mood”, for about 15-20 seconds, until I see an ultra sexy title that puts me back into my hand it.

The first one I came across today was called “Granny Does Tiny Tit Teen”. While not completely ridiculous and outlandish, who the fuck would watch this? Maybe I’m just too picky, but I can’t exactly get into old ladies on flat chestedness. This video sounds like it has the sex appeal of a skunk making love to a truck tire, and the room that it was shot in probably had the same smell. Who goes online for a jerk thinking “man, if only I could find the least sexually appealing thing to your typical male. Yeah, I want a wrinkly blob going to town on a girl with the chest that resembles a dinner plate.”?

The next video I stumbled across was entitled “Brittany James - Little Girl, Big Cock - You Do The Math”. You do the math? I don’t even know what that means. I never really paid attention in math class, but I’m sure if we got to the girl plus cock equations my interest would have been peaked. They must have gone over this the day I got kicked out because “some day your mouth is going to get you in trouble, Scanlan”. As far as the equation goes, I’m thinking the answer is pain and torn orifices. Now that’s my idea of a good time.

The last video that I found is just completely ridiculous. “Osama Bin Laden rapes news reporter!” was the title. When I saw this I had a double-take because it sounded like something I would find in my spam folder. How out of ideas is the porn industry, anyways? Well, I watched the video out of pure comedic interest and it was everything I’d hoped it be.

It started out with a reporter, who I swear I saw in a girl on girl film a few months ago, saying “I think Bin Laden is in the caves behind me”. Then an Osama henchman runs out with a gun and captures her while the cameraman just stands there, films it and says nothing. As soon as the reporter enters the cave, horribly fake beards and demonic groaning ensue. After they are done “planting the seed of Allah in the infidel” American troops come in and bust the Bin Laden crew. Then of course she has to repay the troops for rescuing her and keeping us all safe. It’s weird, because it was exactly how I pictured the capture going down. In fact it seemed so true to life that I thought it was a documentary… A very hot documentary that I plan on watching twice daily until it is inevitably taken down by people who are offended. It’s a sad, sad world we live in.

** Site News** I’ve decided that I’m going to try and post more frequently than once a week. If you’d like to contribute to the content you can always send in an Ask Josh question. Again, only serious, life questions please. I’m here to help. I’m also thinking about bringing back Horoscope Interpretations. If you do want to see those leave a comment saying so.

Tags: bin laden, porn titles