These are the things that have been on my mind: 

If Hilary Clinton gets the party nomination I will kill myself in the head. Actually, I probably wouldn’t, because with my luck I’d fail and just end up retarding myself.

On the subject of politics, if I see one more TV campaign ad I’m going to puke blood (I live in Iowa so it’s horrible).

How long will it be before we see Brittany Spears climbing the Empire State Building with a giant Hershey’s bar in her hand and swatting at airplanes?

Jessica Alba + Pregnancy + Engagement = One less masturbatory session per day.

I just played the Nintendo Wii for the first time ever recently. My first reaction? “Fuck I’m out of shape.”

I hate the Patriots… The football team and the political type.

Why did I have a dream about having a three way with mermaids the other night? I’m not even sure how that’d work.

Jennifer Love Hewitt used to be in my wet dreams, now she’s in my scary ones.

My New Motto: If you’re fat and annoying at least bring treats.

The writers strike is the worst thing that could have happened to my penis, as we live in a golden age of internet porn.

The only thing on my New Year’s Resolution list is “Don’t change anything, you’re a beautiful and unique snowflake from the heavens.”

The best online video I’ve seen in a while is Drunk History.

People stopped submitting Ask Josh questions… WTF?!?

I am out of ideas…

Tags: britany spears, hilary clinton, patriots, resolution