I hate buying groceries. Everything about it just really annoys me to no end. It just bothers me, pushing a cart through endless aisles of food that is not good for you, overpriced goods, and the feeling that people are judging me based on my food selections. Not to mention standing in line for 30 minutes because the 80 year old store manager is to cheap to hire another check out person, all the while wondering if it was a smart move to buy ice cream because judging by the condensation on the carton I see a very sweet and sticky, soupy mess in my future (no gay jokes please).

Getting groceries especially sucks when you decide to make the trip early in the morning to hopefully bypass the long lines and crowded aisles. That’s what I did a little while back and I regret it to this day. Sure, there are a few less people but the type of customer has also changed severely. During my first morning trip to the grocery store there were nothing but hot single moms and hot younger check out and free food thingies ladies.

From the outside this looks fantastic! Whores! Okay, maybe not whores, but definitely girls who are hot enough to be whores! The only problem was that I just woke up, hadn’t yet showered and was wearing the antitheses of my Sundays finest. Well, that and the fact that my grocery selections probably aren’t going to be impressing any women any time soon. I doubt a woman would be impressed that my meals consist of the same type of foods as a 7 year olds snack time.

It was awful. I could tell a couple women kind of looking in my direction, but I just couldn’t build up the confidence to come rolling up on her with my cart full of pizza rolls, fruit roll-ups, beef jerky and grape sodie pop, not to mention what I was wearing. It looked like I was a homeless grocery runner for a day care.

With all that being said about the hot, whorish (or not) single moms that I could have easily banged in the parking lot any other day (again, probably not), I’m still not done with the awkwardness. Later on in the store I roll up on one of these free food roll cart things, and who else is serving but a hot, possibly sassy chick who looked to be in my age group. The things I was worried about the hot single older-ish ladies noticing dissapear to a chick that’s my age. Girls my age think anything that’s not the normal style is a bad boy look, I was in!

So I roll up to her, we talk for quite a while. She was giggling and into it. I asked her why she was working at a grocery store of all places, if it was a job to help pay bills through college times or what. This is when she informed me that her parents made her get the job and that she’s only 16! WTF? I think girls who are under 18 but look older need to wear a badge on their shirt saying so.

Now, not only am I apparently a homeless grocery runner for a daycare, but now I’m also on the verge of being a sex offender. Fantastic. But wait, that’s not all. I got so wrapped up in my conversation with this girl and so much time had passed that the grocery store was now jam packed with people and I had to wait in line longer than usual.

RIP: Half Gallon of Tin Roof Sundae, you left us far to young.

Tags: blog, comedy, free_food, funny, groceries, humor, single_moms