Every time the Iowa lottery gets over $100 Million everyone I know starts talking about what they would do if they won. Almost everyone starts out by saying they’d buy a house in a warm weather place and a new car or something equally as generic. When the younger guys are asked they always say something like “hookers and blow, lolz” and I want to shoot them in the face with a penis dart. Yes, my penis shoots darts, which is the first thing I would do if I had millions. I would install a penis dart system of some sort. It’d be for protection from muggers and fatherhood.

One thing I would definitely do with my money would be to carry a thousand dollars in ones in my pocket at all times. No, this isn’t some hack strip club joke in the making. It’s actually quite brilliant. Every time I get into one of my awkward situations with someone, which I tend to get into a lot, I would just take out the wad of money and throw it in the air, creating a cloud of money that will allow me to escape unscathed.

Since I’m generally a hate filled guy another thing I would do is pay people who I hate to let me kick them right in the facial part of their person. I’d go all the way back to kindergarten and up, finding people who made fun of me, or I just didn’t like for whatever reason. I think the first person I would go after is the kid on the little league baseball team who thought it would be funny to fart in my face. Not to mention the pitchers back then who relentlessly hit me near the penile code area with their horribly thrown baseballs. Yeah, fuck those people. Here’s 10 grand and a face kick for your trouble.

Oh man, I just thought of another totally great idea whilst typing this. I would start up a convenience store in my front fucking yard, freshly stocked just for me. It’d be just like any other convenience store, except clean and with smart people working there. Oh, oh, and not only that, but I would have my favorite places to visit, stores, coffee shops, theaters, etc. install my own private restroom! No more stage fright in the urinal system! No more paranoia of the guy next to me gandering at my penis dart gun!

Another thing I would set up is my own private helicopter equipped with pilot and some sort of super, extra loud intercom system attached to the outside of it. That way I can fly around the city that I move to and remind everyone how much better I am than them. Maybe I’ll also drop flyer’s from the helicopter that just say “Josh Scanlan > You” and then somehow implant a speaker chip like those annoying birthday cards that you open up and they sing to you, but instead of a dreadful song it’ll just be me laughing.

Man, all this writing about what I’m going to do if I win the lottery has me super excited! I’m actually pretty much a lock to win the lottery within the next week or so because not only have I been watching The Secret, but I’ve also been purchasing 5 tickets at a time! I guarantee that I’m the only person who thought of this strategy, as it’s really quite brilliant. Not only that but I’m pretty money desperate at the moment. If I don’t win the lottery sometime soon my life will pretty much be in shambles. I really have no other plans.

Tags: Lottery, Penis Dart