It’s been a long time since this blog broke out from the never completely working confines of MySpace and dared to venture out into it’s own situation. That’s right, it’s sorta kinda the one year anniversary for this little (but big where it counts) website!

Instead of doing what some of the most popular blogs do and have neat contests and flashback dealies I’m going to do something different. It’s time for you people to send me cars, cash money, houses, girlfriends, prizes, quesadillas and Faberge eggs. This all has to be slid across a trampoline to me by a team of hot and naughty (female) models. It’s really the only way to receive a gift, if you think about it.

I also wanted to take this time to discuss where this blog is headed and what you can expect out of me in this next blogscal year. So you remember this last year when I wrote funny blogs every once in a while, and then begged people to read them, for no real reason? Yeah, it’s probably going to be exactly the same as that. To be honest I never really knew what to expect from creating a blog, and still don’t. I’m totally wingin it over here and I haven’t really accomplished a whole lot except maybe spreading a few jollies and offending a few douche-cocks.

I don’t know exactly how much I’ll be posting in the near future. I’m actually thinking about writing some stuff that has the possibility of making me some actual money or something, though I don’t really know how that works. I’m also going to try and find a way out of my job and Iowa situations. Not to mention all the time I’m going to be spending with all my new prizes and goodies you send me.

However, I do plan on doing something completely unnecessary at some point. I’m going to attempt to write one original blog a day for an entire week. Or I’m going to put up a new blog every day for a month, even if it’s just a funny video or picture I find on my internet travels. I don’t know when this is going to take place, or why I would do this to myself, or yourself for that matter, but it’s going to be done.

So in recap: keep checking back, send me prizes, tell people about the site, and for the love of fucks sake leave me comments or send me emails on the Contact page about what you’d like to see happening on this site, or if you want me to write something for your project, or if you’re just really, really lonely. I know I seem a little unapproachable and you may be intimidated by my manliness, but I’m really quite an approachable gentleman… Just don’t be a fucking idiot about it or I will bop you in the head with a toaster oven.

Tags: one year anniversary

For the past year or so I’ve been living in a state of extreme tension with another person. I feel like we almost irrationally hate each other, even though we’ve never even spoken. Actually, scratch that, my hate isn’t irrational at all, as my hate is a pure, beautiful gift from the heavens. If this guy hates me, it’s completely irrational, irresponsible and just plain wrong.

I’m talking, of course, of my upstairs neighbor, the angry stomper. I’ve had to deal with this emotional 12 year old of a man for the past year and lately I’ve been about to snap and murder his entire childhood. I don’t know how one would go about murdering a childhood that’s now only contained in the mind, but I’ll find a way and I’ll fuck it up good.

Why do I call him the angry stomper? Well, the guy walks around like he’s an 800 pound robot sent from the future to destroy my happiness. With every step he takes he rattles my entire apartment. And if that wasn’t bad enough, you should here this heavy footed douche fuck maneuver the stairs that are right outside my apartment. The first time he walked down them I ran out my front door because I thought someone dropped  a bookcase filled with encyclopedias. Don’t worry, I wasn’t going to help, I was just going to laugh and take a picture to put up on my blog.

Alright, so now that we have the “stomper” part out of the way let me talk a bit about the “angry” part. This guy freaks the fuck out daily. The first time I witnessed this was a sunny Sunday afternoon. I was just hanging out, minding my own business while watching golf, because I’m an 80 year old man apparently, when I heard some faint screaming. I turned the TV down to get rid of the loud golf clap that was going on and I found the source. This guy was screaming at his wife.

The whole thing was beyond awkward for me. I’d hear some shuffling of heavy feet and I was wondering if he was pushing her around, or something. If he was what do I do? Go up and confront him? Stay out of their fucking business? Call the law? Well I did, what I always do in this situation, which was sit on my couch and stare at the wall while being completely still with a terrified look on my face, trying to wish myself into a better situation. I felt like it was the best option at the time, and I stand by it. By the end of it he slammed the door and walked around the block three times. You sure showed her, tough guy.

For nearly a year I’ve had to deal with these awkward and loud situations because this guy doesn’t know how to handle situations like a fucking adult. Then this weekend I just happened to peer out the window and what do I see, but a moving truck! Could it really be? Could the angry stomper, his annoying constantly crying kid, and newly pregnant wife (yeah, they need another kid…) be leaving for good? Your damn right they are!

This made my whole weekend, and probably my next year as well. I just had to get through one day of ultra loud moving because, why wouldn’t they rape my ears one last time, and I was home free! Peace and quiet at last! Now hopefully I can fade getting another loud, stomping man-boy in the apartment above me. With any luck it will be an extremely old and lonely lady who pays rent for a year in advance then dies about a week in and nobody knows for the entire length of her lease. As long as I don’t get death smell creeping down into my place I should be fucking golden!

Tags: loud upstairs neighbor

Alright, so I’m back again with another installment of “Ask Josh”. For those of you who have no idea what this is let me give you the run down. You send me serious, life questions and I try to help you through your trouble times with my amazingly awesome answers. This is where the funny stops, and I try to actually help people. As always click the “Ask Josh” link for more details and to submit your questions now.

This weeks question comes from a human named Kali:

Why is it that our greatest prejudice is against death? We spend immeasurable amounts of time trying to fight the event that will eventually triumph? It might be noble not to give in easily.. The most alive people I know have embraced death and live, laugh and love more fully than those who are afraid to die.

First of all, Kali, I don’t know who this “our” and “we” is that you’re talking about, so don’t include me in your nonsensical ramblings. The only prejudice I have is against minorities. Every single minority. If I’m eating dinner and there is more pepper in the pepper shaker than there is salt in the salt shaker, fuck salt. Do you understand me?

If you truly think that we shouldn’t fight death then I’m assuming that you’ve never taken any medicine to preserve your life, or eat healthy, or work out. Other than doing those things I don’t really understand how people try to fight death on a continuous basis. Is there an underground club where people go to the cemetary, dig up corpses and fight them under the moonlight? Because if there is, where the fuck do I sign up? I’d like to fuck some old bones up… Unless they’re like really tough and mean, because if that’s the case I’ll just stick to slapping my gigantic stuffed bunny I won at the fair, when I get angry. Maybe if you got off the drugs and learned how to think like a normal person you’d find yourself in a life worth preserving.

Do you know why people who have embraced death have such a great time? Because those people are criminals. If you have come to terms with your death, then why not just go on a murderous rampage and then get the death penalty or end yourself? Is that what you want the world to be, just a bunch of criminals running around having their way with you and your family? Of course you would, you desperate anti-self preserving slob.

Also, who are these people that are so afraid to die? Who even thinks about their own death on a regular basis? I know I don’t, but I’m a special case because I’m going to live forever. I’ll be here in this same spot, jerking off to internet porn and answering your stupid fucking questions for all eternity! Either that or I’m going to be super old and riding around town on a bicycle staring at people weird and mumbling things about time machines, the future and marshmallows. Either way, things are looking up for me.

Tags: Ask Josh, death