I’ve been having problems with instant messaging lately. I constantly find myself in these awkward IM situations that really hinder my internet experience. Somehow, someway I end up in these horrible conversations which I’d rather just not deal with.

Sometimes I get bored for a split second so I double click on a persons name and just type “hi” and as soon as I hit “Enter” I know I’ve made a mistake. As soon as I hit Enter I’m like “fuck me, why did I do that. Goddamn it.” I start getting flashbacks of having to participate in a hour long IM conversation about absolutely fucking nothing. Generic Question after generic question, or some random gay dude pretending to be a chick, trying to get me off with words. It’s annoying.

I’ve come up with a pretty decent tactic to avoid these awkward conversations without looking like an insensitive asshole (I am). When someone I don’t want to talk to messages me I wait about 4-5 minutes, then I change my status to “away”, and go about my porn browsing business. That way, it looks like I have been away from my computer before I even got their message.

Another thing I often like to do is when someone starts a conversation:

Annoyer: “Hi”

Amazingly Awesome Me: “Umm, hey”

Annoyer: “What’s going on?”

Amazingly Awesome Me: “BRB”

Then I just fucking leave them. I don’t even leave my computer, then I go through the progressions but this time I have to wait 10 minutes before changing my status to “Away” or I just leave my computer altogether. This way I don’t hurt anybodies feelings and I don’t get into any weird confrontations.

All this talking about IM’s reminds me of a story. I had just gotten my first computer at my Mom’s house. I was 14ish. I heard through the grapevine that ICQ was the program to download and get my chat on with. Plus, how can you go wrong with the train horn and the high pitched “uh-oh”.

The thing I liked about ICQ is that you could find random people instantly and just start chatting away. Well this was a gigantic challenge to me because I was an extremely perverted kid. I would try desperately to get women to send me boobie pics.

Oh, I had it all worked out perfectly. My story was that I was a 25 year old actor living in Los Angeles and I just got done costarring in this big Hollywood hit. It was the perfect crime! It also worked out fantastically, sort of.

I ended up chatting to these hot 24 year old twins, who just happened to be models! I think that’s the first time I realized that I had game. Anyways, they lived in LA and they were totally going to send me pictures! The only problem was that they had to mail them apparently so they wanted my address.

I always found that situation a little weird, their profile said they were a 35 year old Male but they said that was just to through off the scent of perverted men. I also forgot to change my profile age so it said I was a 14 year old boy. I can’t believe I tricked them like that. If I really did live in LA I would have soooo gotten some hot twin action at the age of 14… Either that or raped and murdered by some fat guy with a mustache.

Tags: awkward, Conversation, instant message

Something has come to my attention that I think is sick, disturbing and wrong. It seems that a week or so ago there was an NFL football game that was delayed because of the weather. Since the game was delayed 30 minutes they decided to just skip the National Anthem. Now that the media has gotten a hold of this information I have to read articles like this on the front page of Yahoo!:

Bad enough football has taken away all our free time in the fall and early winter. Now, it’s going to take away our patriotism?

There were frightening lightning strikes, a strong wind, a swampland for a Heinz Field playing surface. Everyone ran for cover, from the fans in the stands to the players on the field. But the Star-Spangled Banner was written with bombs bursting in air. Nothing’s tougher than the National Anthem. The NFL hardly seemed worthy of its red, white and blue insignia colors by canceling America’s most honorable song so the show could on two minutes less late.

Let me just start off by saying “fuck yourself” to all the people who have a huge problem with this. A lot of people are saying “If we don’t play the national anthem before sporting events we’re pissing on America and the freedoms we have to be able to enjoy these events.” I’ve been picking up on a key word in this whole debate and that word is “Freedom”. Well if the song represents freedom then wouldn’t it also represent the freedom to not play the song as often as we’d like? I mean, if freedom is your big concern then shouldn’t we be singing the Netherlands Anthem before every game anyways? Don’t you realize that the government has pushed through policies rolling back our civil rights and legitimate freedoms, in the name of patriotism?

Have you ever actually felt pride when you’re in attendance for something that plays the Anthem? Usually I’m just pissed that I’m supposed to take my hat off, then I make fun of the people who are singing super loud and because their shirt is a button up American flag. Why do I laugh? Because it’s absurd. I mean people really take this shit seriously, they act like they built this country from the ground up personally. They were born here, that’s about all they had to do with it. Now they just sit in their front yard with an American flag drinking cans of Miller High Life out of a Styrofoam cooler and entice war with their flag painted house and their “patriotism”.

So the NFL is taking away our patriotism, huh? Good. It’s the best thing the NFL has ever done.

To add a little comedy to this blog post, here’s Bill Hicks on patriotism.

Tags: national anthem, nfl, patriotism