I’ve been all over the fucking place lately. Sometimes I space out for like 4 hours then I snap out of it and wonder what the fuck I did all day. It’s sort of like when you’re driving down the interstate all by yourself, then before you know it you’re at the stop sign at the end of the exit ramp and you wonder how the fuck you got there. Yeah, it’s a lot like that, except for hours at a time.

When these little space out times occur it’s usually when I’m sitting at the computer. Usually I’ll have to check my browser history to find out what I was actually doing. I check it out and I’ll usually say something like, “Hey, apparently I masturbated 3 times, that’s weird.” Then I’ll look at my left hand and slowly rub it on my jeans with a look of disgust on my face. And yes I said “left hand”, I’m actually right handed but I’ve used my left hand for happy time for as long as I remember. I guess you can call me ambiDIXtrous… Wait, that sounds like I have two cocks… Nevermind.

Anyways, I asked someone I work with for advice about my space case situation to which they replied “Oh you’re just in la-la-land, it’s not big deal”. Then I made fun of them for having a studder. Then they made fun of me for being stupid. Then I made fun of them for being a fat nothing. Then they complained to HR. Then I got a “talking to”. Then they… You get the fucking point, my situation wasn’t resolved.

It’s really like a half coma, except I’m awake and responsive. So I guess it’s not really like a coma at all. It’s more like I’m a robot, just going through the motions. It sucks because I finally got what I’ve been wishing for since I was little. Yes, I wanted to be a robot. But not an unresponsive, lazy robot. I wanted to be a robot that can jump really high, be super strong, and be able to read entire books in 5 seconds and retain them word for word.

Then some day I’ll meet the human neighbor girl, because I saved her from some drunk asshole who was trying to rape her in his car in front of her house. Then we’ll become the best of friends and have deep talks about life. I’ll tell her how I have no feelings or emotions because I don’t have a heart. Then one night I’ll tell her that I want her to show me what love is. She’ll tell me that she can never love a robot. So I’ll kill her and dump her body in the river. Then I’ll live happily ever after, leading the robot resistance against mankind. The End.

Site Update: First off, wow, that blog is retarded and all over the fucking place. Secondly, I’m trying to figure out what to do with my website design again. This one is looking cluster-fuckish and lame again. So I might be changing the design and what this blog is altogether, mixing in more things that I’m into with all my tangent based stories. I still don’t know what I’m doing with this fucking website…

Don’t forget to check out kerbink! which is updated everyday-ish.

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Tags: blog, comedy, humor, robots, space out, studder

Ever since I was a child person I have always known how to take advantage of the concept of “Sick Days”. It didn’t take me long to realize that I could get out of virtually anything if I could pretend to be sick enough. It doesn’t matter, it could be school, work, plans with annoying friends or lame family affairs, the sick day is universal and nobody can question you. It’s perfect!

My addiction to the sick day came when I was in elementary school. I wasn’t what I like to call a “popular kid”. I didn’t have a whole lot of friends in my grade. Elementary school was an awkward situation for me because I wasn’t popular and yet some of the hottest girls liked me… For a little while at least, until they told their ugly friends, and their ugly friends would make fun of them for liking me and it’d be over with. (This paragraph is a perfect example of my possible ADHD problem, as it has nothing to do with the rest of the blog.)

Anyways, my fake sick days really started off as fake sick half days. I can remember at lest 10 times within a couple month span in 4th grade when I would just give up on the school day, and my future just to act sick so I could go home early and eat colorful mini marshmallows and watch Mork & Mindy reruns… Apparently I was also gay when I was little, I’m glad I grew out of that phase.

To my dismay my parents quickly started catching on to my fake sick tactics. From then on out I had to use my gift for sick acting wisely. No longer could I just throw around my pure skill and talent for looking sick, haphazardly because it was clear that someone could get hurt… Me…

That’s right, I was actually hurting myself in the case of the fake sick and still did up until about a year ago. I would get so into the fake sick routine, the physical acting, the voice acting (for calling into work), that I would literally start feeling the horrific symptoms that I would make up. My fake sick would turn into a real sick. So either it’s all mental and my fantastic brain convinced my body I was actually sick, or the marshmallow sludge had eaten a whole through my stomach lining after all these years.

So about a year ago I decided that enough is enough and that I am no longer a fake sicker person guy. I’m an adult now, I have no reason to lie or be deceitful, that’s a child’s game. So now when I don’t feel like doing something with a friend, instead of acting sick I just tell them the truth or say “fuck off for a while please”. Or when I call my boss in the mornings to tell her I’m not coming into work, I just tell her it’s because I have other things to do, like a fake dentist appointment, or that “I’m just sick of you fucking people”.

People are truly understanding and I no longer have to fake sickness to get out of things. I’m all grown up now and finally feel like with this action I have cleared the “Adult” threshold. Now I get to stay at home with a clear conscious, and an easy stomach, while I eat my colorful marshmallows in peace. (I couldn’t tell if it was the color marshmallows or the Mork and Mindy reruns that made me the gayest, so I let the bad judgment of TV Land taking M&M off the air decide that for me.)

Tags: blog, comedy, funny, humor, sick_days