Right off the bat I just want to say that this blog title is in no way in reference to me outing anyone as a gay. But if I did know anyone who was secretly gay I would probably out them on this blog because I feel that people need to be open about their disgustingness. This blog is about a hellish week for yours truly, when left alone without power or internet for extended periods of time. What’s a boy to do?

It all started on a Sunday. Early in the afternoon there was a horrendous thunderstorm that rolled through town. It knocked over trees, flooded streets, general chaos, and I loved it. The lights flickered once and then I looked at a light switch and said “don’t even think about it, buddy”. Thanks to my charm and stunning good looks everything stayed on. Then 5 hours after the storm the power goes out, plus it was dark outside so I was basically sitting in an african american hole (after all I don’t want to be racist).

Great, 9pm and I haven’t even got my daily jerk out of the way and the power is out. Luckily for me I’m also a fan of downloadable porn on my laptop. Unlucky for me, my laptop battery isn’t charged at all. So I fumble fucked around my apartment trying to find a flashlight which only took me about 20 minutes and several bruises from bumping into shit. That’s when I heard all my old people neighbors congregating outside my door to discuss having no power and annoying the fuck out of me. Someone mentioned that us and a couple blocks around us had no power. Then an old guy said “go upstairs and see if they have power up there”. Yeah, 5 square blocks are without power, yet miraculously the top floor of our apartment building has it, you dumb fuck basket. Finally two hours later the power came back on and I was able to get some “relief”.

Then the next Friday at about 7pm my cable and internet go out. I was right in the middle of playing some online poker and enjoying a good BJ vid online, when all of a sudden I got disconnection messages popping up all over in my face. What a great time for the internet to go down too, on a night when I already feel like a loser for not being around people and socializing. Now I have to sit in an apartment by myself and contemplate what went wrong in my life to reduce me to sitting in front of my computer all Friday night. It really makes a person feel good inside.

So after some mild depression, weeping, and solitaire I decided to go to bed early so I can get up early and have a fresh start with my internets. Much to my dismay, when I awoke the next morning I was still internetless. WTF? I sauntered around my apartment for a good two hours mumbling to myself and eating carmel cookie bars. I was becoming that guy. I was minutes away from going on a multi-state murdering spree, killing everyone who has internet out of pure jealous rage.

At that point I decided to look out my windows to see if I could spot a fixer truck thing working on stuff. Well I saw 3 of them within a couple of minutes, but they were all circling my block and driving down side streets… Yeah, that’ll fix the problem. Finally a couple trucks stopped down the block from me and got to work. That’s when I knew things were fucked. I heard one of the workers say “I’m gonna need a beer after this,” like he was astonished. Fuck that. Internet has been down for about 14 hours now and they send the fucking alcoholic to come fix it? Why didn’t they just send a Budweiser truck driver to fix it by pouring kegs full of shitty beer over the box switcher thingamajig? What the fuck is going on?

Finally, a couple hours later the drunk guy must have accidentally bumped into something that fixed it because the internet and cable came back on, which made my little more sane and a lot more sexy.

Site News Situation!! Some of you may remember the site I had up for a while called “kerbink!” where I posted funny videos and pictures of stuff I found online. You may also remember that I took it down out of laziness. Well I just relaunched it last night, but it’s completely different now. It’s not just funny stuff now. Now it’s just stuff that I like whether it be music, videos, some of my random writings and ramblings. Not much is up on it yet, but it’ll be updated semi-regularly. So check it out HERE.

Tags: internet outage, power outage

To start things out I’ll tell you a little tidbit of information about myself. Sometimes when I’m at work and getting annoyed with the typical ridiculousness that is my job, I like to take a little break. Sometimes I saunter down to the actual break room to catch up on stories about old lady parts. Other times, however, I like to go for a little summertime walk. Usually, it’s just me, alone with my thoughts and manliness, but last week something different happened.

I was walking down a street where a lot of my coworkers park when I noticed a crew of gentlemen paving an alley and sidewalk. I walked by them a couple blocks, turned around and started walking back to my place of employment. On my second walk by one of the guys yells “Hey, that was a short break, gotta go back already?” Umm, wtf? At first I wondered how he could possibly know that I was going to and from work, but then I realized he could probably see the depression on my face.

Simple, small conversation. No harm done right? Well, apparently my willingness to reply to this fucking guy means we’re BFF’s now. Now, every time I walk by it’s constant, generic conversation typhoon. All of a sudden his buddies are getting involved in the conversations. It’s also, not like I can just take another route on break, because this is the same walk I take from home to work and back. I’m permanently conversation fucked until they get that alley paved which, by the way, is taking for-fucking-ever. Every morning when I walk to work before they get there I check out the progress and when I see it’s not done my soul turns a shade blacker.

Just the other day I was walking home from work when I met this girl who works in my building, who some would consider “bangin”, on the sidewalk a bit before the alley cocks. We said “hi” as we pass by each other in an awkward way, because why wouldn’t we? Well apparently my new comrade saw this small interaction and locked me in, ready to attack with his verbal assault of nonsense. The conversation that promptly took place went a little something like this:

Cement Douche: Hey, you know that girl?

King Awesomeness: Uh, yeah, we work in the same building.

Cement Douche: Oh man, you’re lucky.

At this point I know in my mind that this conversation is about to be the most annoying one yet. I just half shrug and say “yeah, I guess” then attempt to keep walking to get to my homeland. Yet, he keeps on talking.

Cement Douche: So why don’t you try to get on that man? I would if I was you.

King Awesomeness: She has a boyfriend.

Cement Douche:…

I just wanted to stop typing the conversation because of the realization I just had about the hilarious, yet painful double meaning of “Cement Douche”… Back on track.

Cement Douche: That doesn’t mean anything, man. You’ve got to get in there. Boyfriend is just a word.

King Awesomeness: Yeah, it’s just a word that would probably beat the shit out of me.

At this point he just sort of shrugged and laughed. I was about to walk away, yet again, but something inside of me said “Hey, you’re blog is lacking new content. Stick this out, buddy. Think of the lives you’ll save by putting up awesome new content.” So I said “solid point, mind”, and went back in there, like a fearless trooper.

King Awesomeness: How would you go about trying to get past the boyfriend situation?

Cement Douche: I don’t know, just ask her out for drinks or something.

King Awesomeness: Yeah, that won’t seem suspicious at all.

Cement Douche: Just find some way to get her drunk.

This is when I started to crawl back into my mind. Why does he think I’d have to get her drunk? Am I that physically repulsive to require a girl to be absolutely hammered for me to “hammer” her? Does he have no confidence in my game? I thought I had pretty good game actually, which consists of a beautiful mixture of verbal assault and fake confidence.

I grew increasingly bitter with him thinking so little of me so just to show that I’m better than him I said “thanks for the advice”, in a sarcastic tone that he was unable to detect. Then I went home, punched a stuffed animal and cried myself to sleep, like a real man would.

Tags: break, cement douche