Last night had to be the most absurd night in my adult life. It started out innocent enough, with a friend coming over before we headed out to a small concert in the garbage hole of a town that I live in. A friend of his was playing and everything seemed on the up and up. The guy that we were going to see plays a little bit different type of music than what a lot of people are used to, but it’s cool so I figured there would be an awesome crowd there that I could possibly relate to on some level. Well, color me disappointed.

The show was on the third floor of this building that seemed to be the first building ever erected. We took the elevator up, because why wouldn’t we? My motto has always been “fuck stairs”, not only in stair vs. elevator situations, but in life in general. Once we got off the elevator I could tell we were in for some troubles.

There were two other bands performing that night which I knew were going to be good because they were 16 and labeled themselves “pop/punk”. Ugh. We had to be the oldest people there by about 8 years, besides the doorman who was in his 30’s and looked like a penguin with a construction paper Abe Lincoln hat on. So I came up with a plan of attack which was to sit in the fucking corner and stare down the 16 year old girls like I was a registered sex offender. I don’t know how laws work, but I’m pretty sure that if the girl looks 18, then I won’t get arrested.

Anyways, the first band played for an entire hour with their prepubescent voices and lack of skill. After that, my friends friend played, who was actually really good. You can check out his music here if you want to see why it was odd that he was on the same bill as high school pop/punk “bands”. After he got done I was thinking “oh man, we could probably get to leave now so I can go home and enjoy some delicious honey barbecue wings and watch TV” like the lazy slob that I’m slowly progressing into. Well, that wasn’t the case, and I’m so glad that it wasn’t.

So we decided to hang out for a little bit and see what’s going on around the building. There were two separate bars on the floor with all the 16 year olds. We walked down some stairs to the second floor which, surprisingly enough was another bar called “Spanky’s”, as you could probably tell it was classy through and through. As we gandered through the door into this dark, smoky bar this man in a suit came out and said “Hey guys, I just got married and our reception is in here, it’s an open bar so come on in”.

When we walked into the bar and towards the back the first thing I couldn’t help but notice was a baby’s play pen set up. Oh, the wonders of white trash middle America! It was kind of around a corner so I couldn’t tell if there was an actual kid in there or not, but nothing would have surprised me at that point. After that, this creepy 30-something year old guy who looked like someone took a lawnmower to his teeth area, approached us. He started talking to the guy who was in the band about the local music scene. This part kind of creeped me out big time. He said that he is in love with the local music scene and he can’t get enough of it. Then he went on to say how most of the local music scene is high school boys… Well, at least I can feel better about looking at 16 year old girls…

When we walked into the other room of this place the first thing I noticed was the dance floor that was the size of a dinner table. There were five people on the dance floor at the time and a DJ actually mixing beats like the ones in the MTV rap videos, except white and lonely. That’s when I saw something that scarred my eyes with horror, and my mind with humor.

There was this huge white dude with horrible looking facial hair and a sweater dancing with three trashy, yet nice bodied girls. This guy couldn’t have danced whiter. The girls were grinding on him and all he did was just stuck his cock area out and jiggled around a little bit. Picture a male dog fully “inside” a female dog, all hunched over like and then erase the female dog from your mind. That was this guy’s posture whilst dancing with these three whorish disappointments to their parents.

On the way out of the building for the night I noticed that the first floor of the building is frequently used for bingo. Not only that but I guess there was a basement called the “Oasis Party Lounge”, which I could only imagine is where 40 year olds go and put on their Hawaiian shirts, drink shitty beer on tap and listen to Jimmy Buffett all night long. It was like one of those huge haunted houses they run people through during Halloween, but instead of scaring me to death, they disappointed me in the human race to death. This building was literally a tower of white trash entertainment and I can’t wait for an opportunity to go back.

Tags: Disappointment, Mediocrity, White Trash